05.25.2016
lifestyle

2016's Best Commencement Speech From The KIND

Advice for the stoner grad.

Good afternoon, and congratulations, class of 2016. Today, you have graduated. Not only from your academic courses, but from your lives as college students. They abruptly end here, right now, during this speech. You have graduated from hotboxing dorm rooms, from buying overpriced eighths at frat houses, from spending hours using your engineering courses to build a three-story octo-bong. These childish pursuits are now behind you. A lifelong journey of being an adult stoner begins now. Here’s some advice.

As you venture into “the real world,” you’ll notice new and exciting responsibilities you are now afforded. Perks of graduating to this level of your life. Like, you can just straight up leave your bong in the living room of your new apartment, 24/7. It’s your place, man. Your parents or resident advisors can’t say shit. Welcome to adulthood. Don’t go overboard though. Have a bit of class. Keep all your weed shit in one tidy area. And if you’re still thumping those black-light posters, they’ve gotta go. We must draw the line somewhere. 

If you’re white and live in a particularly lenient state, you’re good to go. Otherwise, stay vigilant.

And weed is legal in some states! Pretty cool, huh? Go wild with that. Don’t drink or drive, shoot heroin, yadda yadda, but with the weed? Go nuts. Unfortunately, it’s still very illegal in most states. Especially if you aren’t white, which most people aren’t. So, if you’re white and live in a particularly lenient state, you’re good to go. Otherwise, stay vigilant. Don’t give the fascists even the slightest reason to get up in your shit. Fly below the radar.

Let’s see, what else can I help you with? Don’t go to a job interview stoned. Depending on what the job is, there’s likely a 95 percent chance you can do it stoned. But even if you’re the master of handling things high, you’re just gonna piss off the interviewer if you’re lit. Play it cool in the beginning. Then coast through the next two years of data entry or coffee runs until you start to make the real moves. Everyone’s gotta pay their dues; so just take it easy.

Don’t judge others too harshly based upon their cultural tastes. There are a few indicators that people are total trash, like, if you still like the Doors maybe you shouldn’t be graduating today, maybe you still have a ton of shit to figure out. That’s the impression I’d get. But anyway, most people’s tastes vary. It’s fun to turn each other on to new things. As long as it’s not truly awful or hurtful, or sexist, or racist, or demeaning to a particular group of people, then who cares? But if it is, then fuck them. Fuck them right to hell.

Herbalife is a pyramid scheme!

Consider how you look when smoking a portable vaporizer. I’m not saying nobody should vape in public, but like, 99 percent of you shouldn’t. It just doesn’t look cool yet. I’m sorry. And yes, sometimes looking cool is actually important, no matter what any of the stupid, feel-good posters in your dumbass library told you. If somehow you can make vaping look edgy and attractive then hell, vape your ass off. I’ll support that.

One last thing: never let someone weed shame you. If you’re at a party, and you proffer a joint, and some rando questions the quality of your leaf? Just, fuck them. Straight up, end that relationship right there. Tell them to kick rocks. Don’t waste any of your time on this earth sharing your goods with those who don’t appreciate the gesture.

All right that’s like, a pretty good start, I think? I don’t know, you’re all adults now. You’ll figure it out. Do your own laundry. Always pass to the left. And remember, an undercover cop does NOT have to tell you if they’re a cop when you ask. Read a fucking law book, dummy.

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