11.17.2015
lifestyle

6 Reasons to Unfriend Someone on Facebook

Happy National Unfriend Day! Here are some of the worst types you'll find in your feed.

It's National Unfriend Day! Super funny comedy man Jimmy Kimmel institued this holiday three years ago so denizens of Facebook could cut the friend-fat without feeling guilty. Fun! Anyway, here are six types of "friends" who commit the worst social media faux pas and are just begging to be set free. Recognize any of these people? I bet you will.

Image via James Flann/Flickr

1. They keep posting pictures of your baby. 

No, not their baby. Your baby. And not just pictures they’ve stripped from your own social media feeds. Pictures you’ve never seen before. Angles you’ve never achieved. How did they gain access to your baby so many times? And what’s weirder: Why are they posting so many pictures of your baby on Facebook—knowing full well you two are friends and that you’ll see them—without any attached commentary, with all reasoning for this intensely upsetting behavior entirely unacknowledged? Not cool, Jason. You just got unfriended, Jason.

2. They won’t shut up about politics! 

Clinton this, Trump that, re-elect Intergalactic Overlord Gene. That last one really breaks the camel’s back. Every flippin’ day your co-worker goes on about how great Intergalactic Overlord Gene is, how handsome Intergalactic Overlord Gene is, how Intergalactic Overlord Gene totally fixed the immigration problem and sent Seahorse Stalin back to Planet 1940s-Underwater-Russia. Who cares! Unfriend.

Image via Matt/Flickr

3. They brag about their “perfect life.” 

Unfriend anyone who does the following: Posts only pictures of them having “the best time evveerrrrr.” Makes status updates about how their “hubby” is the perfect man. Shares images of all the gifts they receive on holidays. Uploads photo albums of them in place of you with your husband and parents-in-law. Expertly replaces you IRL so well that no one notices you exist nor that your identity has been stolen. Usurps your entire life. Changes your Facebook password.

4. They spoil all your favorite shows. 

Do you have one of those friends who posts spoilers about the Big Show you love, completely ruining it when you’re at work or behind an episode or two, because they’re so obsessed with said Big Show that they drove 2,000 miles to Los Angeles and found the Big Show’s creator or showrunner and tortured them until they died to find out all of the big reveals and also insert hyper specific storylines about themselves in some weird violent execution of meta-fanfic? Unfriend this nut!

Images via Ace of Taste/Instagram

5. They’re a total “foodie.” 

I bet you already know whom I’m talking about. The friend who posts pictures of every single thing they eat—everything from little snacks they’ve whipped up to aerial shots of every plate they clean at the trendiest hot spots. So annoying! And what’s even more annoying is that these people aren’t even “foodies” at all, nor are they “people!” They’re Phoodees, an alien life form infiltrating each and every planet to document our nourishment procedures to use against us in a fast-approaching galactic putsch. Not only should you unfriend these idiots, but also document their whereabouts and report them to Intergalactic Overlord Gene for swift eradication.

6. They posted once about how at the end of LOST the island was purgatory the entire time. 

ALRIGHT LOOK I KNOW THIS WAS ALMOST SIX FUCKING YEARS AGO BUT I’VE STILL GOT A BRAMBLE IN MY ASSHOLE ABOUT IT OK JUST PAY ATTENTION FOR CHRIST’S SAKE IF YOU ACTUALLY WATCHED THE SHOW YOU WOULD KNOW HOW DUMB THIS IDEA IS HELL EVEN IF YOU WATCHED ONLY THE FINALE WITH THE CRITICAL THINKING SKILLS OF A SIXTH GRADER YOU WOULD UNDERSTAND WHAT REALLY WENT DOWN I MEAN CHRISTIAN SHEPHARD LAYS IT OUT IN BLACK AND WHITE AND YES I KNOW THAT CHARACTER’S NAME IS LIKE WILDLY ON THE NOSE BUT THAT IS BESIDES THE POINT YOU FUCKIN’ SMOKE MONSTER! UNFRIEND.

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