11.23.2015
lifestyle

7 Features You Only Find on a Gun Lover Dating Site

Ready! Aim! Romance!

There’s a whole entire Internet dating niche aimed directly at single Americans who are passionate about romance, guns, and the 2nd Amendment. For these amorous patriots, Cupid’s arrow takes the form of armor-piercing bullet to the heart. 

The subtly named site Date a Gun Lover features an attractive blond woman pointing a gun directly at you—the web viewer. A handsome man stands closely behind the attractive woman. Insinuation: You could possibly be “romantically linked” with this markswoman while she is firing said gun at smirking web viewers.

The great optimistic thing about gun-niche dating sites is they indicate that guns can bring people together for possible procreation rather than death.

Here’s what I learned by exploring the world of gun-lover dating sites.

#1 YOU CAN MAKE YOUR GUN LOVING DATING PROFILE AS CRAZY AS YOU WANT

I set up a gun-loving dating profile on Date a Gun Lover to find a 2nd amendment-loving American woman.


First the appropriate user name. Drunk With Guns is already taken. Damn! So is Weed and Guns. Instead, I come up with a user name that shows I applaud both the 2nd amendment and Christian values. That user name: Guns and Moses.

I find my profile photo by doing a Google Image search under “Man Holding Large Gun.” I chose the photo of the man holding the largest gun.

My caption relays that I’m a multi-complex person with a proclivity for gun-related puns:

“Here’s my story: The Second Amendment of our Bill of Rights is my Concealed Weapons Permit… PERIOD! I also like romantic comedies like Fool’s Gold with Matthew McConaughey ……ok, let’s give it a shot!”

Favorite Book: The Bible, NRA handbook

Idea of Fun: Shooting rats by the river….with my brand new Beretta AR70/90.

Looking for: Woman who wants to put her finger on my trigger (chuckle, chuckle, chuckle).

Goals in Life: To collect Russian military memorabilia. I also want to bow hunt an animal that is an endangered species and mount its head as a hood ornament on my Hummer.

#2 NO MATTER HOW CRAZY YOU MAKE YOUR FICTIONAL PROFILE, YOU’LL FIND A REAL PERSON WHO IS EVEN CRAZIER

Take this man for example. His profile photo uses several Nazi flags in the background to attract the ladies. In his description he states that he’s a white male (of course) with blue eyes and is “looking for female to pamper and pamper me.”

Well, maybe you’d be less lonely if you ditched all those damn Nazi flags?

I send this lonely Nazi man a default “flirt” message. It says: I hope you know CPR, because you take my breath away!” I don’t hear back from him.

Then there’s: “Lone Wolf Seeking She Wolf.” His profile states his goals in life:

“To restore our Constitutional Republic and our Natural/God given rights, to rid this country of Obama, communists, socialists, Islamist, or at least get them to obey our laws and customs. Sorry being completely honest here, if you are thinking that you can change me and my beliefs or viewpoints, I suggest going to someone else.”

I send him the default flirt: “If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.” I don’t hear back from him.

#3 THEY SUBTLY DON’T REALLY WANT JEWS OR MUSLIMS TO JOIN

Not to say these sites are racist, but a whole personal profile category option is set strictly for “Christian Preferences.” This is where you check the type of church you were raised in, what church you now go to, and how many times a week/day/month you attend said church. The gun love sites don’t sequester any of the major religions other than Christian.

I guess the subtle dating message might be interpreted as: Jews, go find romance on JDate. Muslims, gun-loving romance is strictly for Christians!

Read with me Date a Gun Lover’s site copy:

ARE YOU PROUD, AMERICAN? AND SINGLE?

Then you should date singles who believe in the 2nd Amendment! Whether you own one gun or several, love to hunt, or just believe strongly in the American right to bear arms and defend our God-given freedoms...meet someone who shares your values today!

Sorry immigrants and resident aliens. Maybe a Canadian gun-love lover site will accept you.

#4 READ THE LEGAL DISCLAIMER

Gun-lover dating sites have a legal disclaimer longer than a Russian novel. Summarization of Legal Disclaimer: If your date happens to shoot you, we are not responsible!

The legal disclaimer also states: “Always use good judgment and take precautionary measures when communicating and/or meeting any stranger.”

Isn’t that where carrying a gun comes into play—for both parties involved?

#5 GUN LOVING IS SOMETHING KEPT IN THE CLOSET ON MAINSTREAM DATING SITES

Some lonely, armed single men feel if you’re a gun lover, your proclivity is something you initially need to keep in the closet; both literally and metaphorically. That’s the main reason behind these dating sites.

What these patriots want is the freedom to wave a gun around in the middle of a date and not have it questioned. Think of these sites like the gun-enthusiast Rosa Parks of online dating.

“In the movies, the female companion of the brave action hero never takes a moment to grill the hero about why he packs a pistol all the time,” says a man named ST in his Single Man’s Guide to Dating and Guns. “In real life, however, not everyone is so progressive of thought.” For gun owners who are young, packed, and ready to online date, says ST, facing ignorance over their passion can be frustrating: “The average girl doesn’t have the faintest idea about the differences between a GLOCK Gen 3 and a Gen 4. And couldn’t care less. My date said ‘nice GLOCK.’ The poor girl meant well, but…ouch. I had to eat my pride and smile back, even as I felt the instinctual need to jump down her throat and say, ‘when was GLOCK ever located in Springfield Massachusetts??!!’ ”

#6 DATING MATCHES WILL MAKE YOU REALLY DEPRESSED


While browsing for my future Mrs. Gun Rights, the site Gun Lovers Passion, creates a romantic mood by blasting out pop up ads such as: “Video shows the sad truth about how most folks who carry concealed would lose an attack.”

Foreplay or foreshadowing a future gun date gone wrong?

After completing my dating profile, my matches are generated. I get sad. The female profile photos look like they’re from police arrest reports. Education levels are mostly listed as “some high school” or a GED. Average incomes are below $25,000. The profiles—mostly from small towns—play out like Sam Shepard playlets.

My first match trumpets:

Single, unemployed with children that don’t live with her. Lives with parents. Seeking support. From small town in Texas. Favorite book is The Bible. Goes to church daily.

I make an unhappy face.

Next match: The woman stresses that her goal in life is to get her teeth fixed. She is looking for a romance match to help her in that dental capacity. “I just want to be able to smile again,” she says.

Gun-site dating was shaping up to be the most depressing thing ever.

Finally, I catch a match with a sense of humor. Under her profile photo: “Have you heard the joke where someone asks a woman what she is afraid of? She pulls out her gun and say, ‘Not a damn thing!’ ”

Further down the depression rabbit hole, an entire profile category exists for “Health Conditions.” Options are listed for Depression and Disfigurement. Also: Hard of Hearing, along with other

health ailments loosely associated with too much gun use.

One woman has all the health condition boxes checked. I feel like crying.

Where’s the attractive blonde pointing a gun directly at me like on the home page? This isn’t happy, shared-hobby dating; this is dark, desperate dating.

#7 WHEN ALL ELSE FAILS, USE A GUN AS YOUR PROFILE PHOTO

I set up one last dating profile. This time I’m going to appeal to the gun-loving guys who troll these sites.


If these men truly love guns so damn much, why not give them a chance to actually date a gun? No, not someone who also loves guns—a real actual gun. I set up a profile with a handgun as my photo.

Look at Ratdoo’s profile photo—it’s simply a motorcycle; so they shouldn’t have a problem with inanimate objects. They allow people to have Nazi flags in their profile photo; a gun is a lot less shocking. It’s in the name of the site.

My new gun dating profile name is: Trigger Finger.

My description: “I'm fun, spontaneous, have a great sense of humor, and I am a hand-gun. I like shooting targets and tin cans on poles. I'm looking for a guy who wants to put his finger on my trigger. I like a man who doesn't shoot blanks.”

And then my dream matches.

A guy in a cowboy hat sends me a selfie. He tries to whoa me: “I for sure don't shoot blanks.”

I flirt back: “Here’s a casual photo of me on the beach.” I send him a photo of a gun lying on the beach. I follow up with an intimate photo of the gun lying on a bed.

Another gun-loving guy, “lovetobowhunt69,” messages my firearm: “NICE!!! Baby, you must be a broom, cause you just swept me off my feet.”

I answer back. “Thanks! Here’s a sexy photo of me in the mountains.”

Now I just need to wait for more responses for a shared love of guns. But so far my online gun dating experience has been a sad mirror held up to lonely supporters of the archaic 2nd Amendment, the NRA, and gun rights.

But remember: If you take the gun dating sites away from good guys, only bad guys will have gun-dating sites.

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