A Definitive Guide to Surviving the Rain in L.A.

The ocean's gonna swallow us one of these days.

The Los Angeles basin is once again visited by El Niño, a cycle of changing water temperature and air pressure that produces rainfall like, I don’t know, three or four times each January? Some people just call it January. Anyway, these sometimes-heavy rains are a metropolitan nuisance and a plague upon the daily infrastructure of the Angeleno. Heed these tips lest you be swept away in a mudslide, fair citizen.

Image via Youtube

Avoid the LA River.

The oft dry Los Angeles River turns from a trickle to a fast moving, controlled flood. The concrete-lined river basin is also home to a large independent housing community. Luckily the city attempts to give these riverbank residents enough warning to transfer their living quarters prior to the storms, sometimes even forcibly removing people. But there is no force to police stupidity; so if you were thinking about doing some extreme swimming or kayaking or going on some kind of whimsical first date adventure, don't. You'll die, dummy. It happens all the time. But if you're a bridge troll living in the L.A. River, go ahead and stay there and drown for all I care. I friggin' hate bridge trolls. 

Image via Badrul Rupak

Hunker down in a bar.

You know what's great about a downpour? Sitting inside, warm and dry, preferably with a joint or drink in hand. Two cool things you can do if you are unemployed or "work from home." Since the weather is rarely like this in L.A., indulge in the coziness of a public drinking establishment. Most bars in this city unfortunately do not open until the happy hour portion of the day, likely because the weather is usually nice enough to keep us out of the bars until at least nightfall. But if you're on the east side, I suggest the Drawing Room (open at 6 A.M.) or the Redwood (open at 11 A.M.). Download Lyft or Uber.

Image via Pitertrojanowski/VSCO

Stock up, avoid delivery.

As with hunkering down in the bar, this also goes toward keeping people off the road. Because face it or not, cliches withstanding, it's going to suck behind the wheel. Either you're gonna screw it up or someone else will. When the news starts freaking out about El Niño's impending doom, hit the grocery store and the dispensary. You don't need to stock up on too many disaster supplies, maybe some tarps and sandbags if it's looking really dicey, but you should at least avoid forcing underpaid delivery people to trek over to your lazy ass because you forgot to buy food or weed. You can go a couple of days without Postmates. I believe in you. 

Image via Cloudnet

Don’t shout at any hillsides.

If you have some crazy disorder that makes you feel obligated to go around shouting at hillsides or small mountains or if you've been possessed by some howling specter that bellows without control, please avoid the wet, loose-soiled hillsides of the greater Los Angeles area. Mystically possessed people like this start mud/rock/expensive house-slides each year. And the rich people need their houses. What would happen if their other houses washed away, too?

Image via Speaking With My Shoes

Keep the witches dry.

If you live in Silver Lake and know one of those hot witch girls with the gigantic hats and the spooky dresses and the House of Intuition receipts fluttering in their wake, please bring them inside. They will melt. Do not let them brunch in public until the storm clouds have been completely clear for half a day minimum.

Do not attempt the deadly Spider-Man kiss.

If you're a young Californian trapped in a rare super-storm, wearing a Spider-Man mask and attempting to fix your satellite, do NOT try to kiss Summer Roberts if you slip and fall and end up hanging upside down in an attempt to recreate the romantic scene from Sam Raimi's masterpiece Spider-Man. Seth Cohen was a television character. You are not. You will definitely drown and die. Don't do that.

Stay dry out there. And stop hydroplaning all over the place.