Ask Maria: What is Proper Danksgiving Etiquette?

Danksgiving. It's like Thanksgiving but with weed.

Hola Maria,

I’ve apparently been invited to a “Danksgiving”, which I’m told is a regular Thanksgiving but with a bunch of weed. Is there any etiquette I should be aware of? I don’t want them to think I’m uncool or, worse, a narc!

Turkey Ted.

Hola, Ted. 

Worry not my friend, a Danksgiving is an easily navigated social gathering with few rules and inhibitions. It's basically just like a Friendsgiving but with a focus on achieving stony heights. It is always a good idea to bring some kind of food even if the host does not specify, and likewise in tow an offering of marijuana. You should dress a bit nicer than usual and adhere to the normal smoking rules of etiquette: no Bogarting, pass to the left, don’t torch the entire bowl top, etc. Follow the ordinary party rules for parties thrown by people you respect: don't change the music, don't abandon beers midway through, don't take a crazy shit in the main bathroom, etc. The only difference is this, and it is crucial: after you've all lit up and finally sat down to feast, before eating the turkey you must stare deeply into its essence and apologize for all the wrongs you’ve committed against its brethren, in this life and further. It must be heartfelt and earnest. If this does not occur, and you consume the flesh of the un-apologized animal, a wicked curse will shadow your soul and each and every creature of the avian world shall stalk you into a maddening, unstable state. Bird feces will eternally coat your corporeal form, and your filthy, cursed heart will be hammered mercilessly by an evil woodpecker ad infinum. And that’s all! Buena suerte, Ted, and feliz Danksgiving!