03.25.2016
culture

5 Amazing Pieces of Marijuana Tech in Your Future

Let's get stoned and use our imaginations.

Apple held its umpteenth keynote-product-announcement-men-in-khakis-party on Monday, unveiling a 4-inch iPhone and a smaller iPad Pro. Something about them pushing larger phones on us recently and then coming back feels like they're playing us, but then again most of the population is already well under Apple's control.

Sorry if you were hoping they'd reveal some awesome new thing, not just a redesign of two products from a few years ago. If only there were a behemoth tech company like Apple for weed that was regularly revealing nutso advancements in marijuana technology. Ideally they'd make products like this:


1. True REC

We've long since had the technology to eliminate red eye from digital photography, but with TREC (True Red Eye Correction), the stoner on the go no longer requires an emergency stash of Visine. TREC is a retina altering technology built into your smarthphone. When one's eyes have been reddened by marijuana, the user simply opens the TREC app and looks directly into the camera. A series of microscopic, harmless, red-eye-reducing particles emit from the lens and affectively wash away any trace of ocular pot inebriation. 

2. Friendly Radar

"Hot, sexy stoners are in your area." This simple technology uses proximity awareness to test for trace amounts of THC on neighboring pedestrians within a defined radius. When a person with a concentrated amount of THC is near the user, the tracking app will ping them to signal that they are "420 friendly," along with a rating on just how "friendly" they are.

Have you ever been on the lookout for someone to toke up with at a festival or party, but don't want to ask in the worry that they're one of those judge-y people who'll be offended if they don't? With Friendly Radar you can put those fears to rest and know when your kind is near you with confidence. Also comes in handy for detecting the absence of THC on a person, good for sussing out poseurs and narcs

3. Edi-therm

The Edi-therm is a small steel "thermometer" with a digital readout and an app that pairs with it for diagnostics and data collection. The device can be inserted into any food or drink that has been made with THC and detect just how potent the batch is and which type of strain was used. When the user updates the app with their specific health profile and tolerance preferences, the device can also predict how much the user should eat or drink to achieve the desired state of intoxication. 

4. DealLingo

In the unfortunate states where weed is still criminalized, smokers must consistently rely on real-world drug dealers—notorious for using confusing and often times absurd vocabulary to communicate their business. This new technology synthesizes every regional dialect of drug slang and translates it to normal speak in a matter of seconds. It also comes with supporting features like the Dealer Time Conversion Calculator—just enter the ETA your drug dealer gave you into the calculator, and DTCC technology will estimate how long it will actually take. Another fine feature is the Random Excuse Generator, perfect for when your dealer has held you conversationally hostage, and you've just got to get the fuck out of that blacklit apartment. 

5. CannaMask CloakTech

This government researched stealth grade technology alters light patterns around the user to create optical illusions for anyone observing. The device is designed to automatically alter visual confirmation of THC related activity, like, with holograms or something. Say you're smoking a j in an alley, and a cop walks toward you. With CannaMask CloakTech, he won't see a twist of Zig-Zagged weed in your mouth, it'll simply look as if you're blowing up a balloon or playing a kazoo.

"Howdy officer! Nice day for kazoo'in," you'll say.

And he'll have to agree.

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