02.15.2016
culture

Attention Stoners: Here Are The 6 Common Side Effects Of THC-Poisoning

Know the signs.

Sometimes, smoking pot is an instantaneous gratification hurling you through the winds of wonder mere seconds after the first puff. Other times, you may find yourself wondering, "when is this going to kick in?" or, "am I even stoned?"

We've compiled a handy list of the biggest signs that the kush has indeed hit. These will also be helpful should you ever be dosed without consent. Which is totally not cool, teens!

Have you experienced any of these common side effects?

1. Hat Check

If the devil's grass is definitely flowing through your bloodstream, you may feel as if you're wearing a hat. This phenomenon of light cranial pressure, sometimes called the Ganj Crown, is so present in some types of weed that at least one strain takes its name from the phantom feeling: Headband. The feeling will set in, and you may think to yourself for a quick spell, "Hey, am I wearing a hat today?" Then, when you bring your hands to your skull to check? Abracadabra. No hat. Vanished. Disappeared. You are definitely high.

2. You've got the Scrunchies

No, not the munchies, which is only sometimes an indicator of THC inebriation. The munchies can be the symptom of many conditions—marijuana, alcohol, stress, plain old regular hunger, tape worms, etc. But getting a case of the Scrunchies is exclusive to being wicked stoned. You'll know you've got the Scrunchies for SURE if you open your mouth and 30-some-odd scrunchies pour out like a Claire's exploded in the back of your throat. Or if you look in the mirror, and your entire arm is now a scrunchie. Or you fart and out comes a scrunchie. Or your entire head is just scrunchies now. You get the gist.

3. Computers are like "bwammmmm squeep"

You know you're lit to high heaven if you attempt to use any kind of computer interface, whether it be your laptop, smart phone, an ATM, or a fancy high tech refrigerator display (wow, look at you, with the fancy high tech refrigerator display), and instead of ease and simplicity, you are met with a loud, blistering, robot voice that just goes "bwammmmmm squeeep bwaaaammmmmmm squeep blape squippo bwaaa-bwaaaa-bwaaaaa-BAM bwaaaaa-blape-bwaaaammmmmm squeeep." That's technology warning you that you're too high to interact with it, lest you initiate a Y2K doomsday device or accidentally delete all of human history or something. I don't know, be careful man, computers do everything.

4. FOX News makes complete sense

Maybe you're sitting at home, and you've just inhaled a blimp's full of bong smoke as you flip through the television channels. You land on FOX News, its particular brand of sensationalist graphics and horrendous cacophony of Wrong Opinions explodes through your living room, tainting everything Combatant Blood Red and Cathode Blue. Six screaming bald eagles shoot from the screen and circle above you. You're sitting there like, "yeah, yeah this is good. This makes total sense. This is all right and nothing is fucked up about this broadcast." Well you know what? You're high. You're so high, it's illegal. And someone's already called the cops.

5. Jelly legs

Loose legs that limp around all lazy and loopy.

6. Eyes soooooooo red

One thing even teenagers know is that when you mess around with Mary Jane your precious little peepers gloss over like doughnut glaze and the whites of your eyes flush like a chemical burn. Then, blood gushes from your pupils. Gallons of it. Like that scene from The Shining. Or that plague from Egypt. You'll have so much blood coming from your eyeballs that you won't be able to see. Then, you'll undoubtedly slip in all the blood pooling around your feet. You'll fall down in it, trying to stand up but flopping around like a fish out of water playing Twister in a pool of blood, just thrashing around, writhing in the thick, red liquid, totally embarrassed and ruining your clothes. Yep, you're high. Just ride it out.

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