03.01.2016
culture

Best Crossover Characters Rory Gilmore Should Date

Netflix picked up Gilmore Girls for four more ninety-minute episodes, written by original creator Amy Sherman-Palladino (*squeal*) and the biggest question on every GG lover’s mind is: what’s up with Rory and BOYS? Oh also, I hope she’s a successful journalist or whatever. 

We watched her leave the devoted but boring Dean for the brilliant but dangerous Jess. We mourned with her the loss of Dean’s worshipping affection as he married the incredibly hot Lindsey as Jess left Rory in search of his dad. We watched Rory then sabotage that marriage and use Dean as a sex toy for the better part of her sophomore year at Yale until the rich and aloof Logan stole her heart away. At the end of the series Logan proposes and Rory denies him, instead choosing to go on a journalistic tour following then-Presidential hopeful Barack Obama

But a few years later, what’s Rory up to in the good ol’ world of sex and love? I’m curious what a crossover from another show would look like. Watch out for [SPOILERS] and be aware that I’m just going to put Rory in their worlds and see what happens.

Jon Snow from Game of Thrones

There are many rumors swirling around whether Jon Snow really died or if he’s coming back (perpetuated by the fact that Kit Harington won’t chop off his illustrious man bun), so for this specific fantasy the Red Witch brings him back to life and he’s up and ready for battle. But with Egret dead, who will push Jon Snow to do the right thing, follow his heart, unite him with his (possible) relative, Daenerys Targaryen? Why, Rory Gilmore, that’s who. She’ll have long flowing brown hair and she’ll say things like “You can do so much better than this! Leave the mutinous King’s Watch and join your cousin!” Rory doesn’t really have a sister—unless you count her weird relationship with her mother and her weird half-sister—and could use a guy with a strong female relative. She’ll ride on her own horse next to Jon, writing about the journey in a leather-bound journal a la Sam and she’ll be able to look to the sky to see if villains are approaching. Her blue eyes are magical, is what I’m saying.

Ragnar Lothbrok from Vikings

Ragnar is the Jess of this lot. He doesn’t listen to rules, he does whatever he wants and he won’t stop until he gets the girl. When Lagertha couldn’t give him more sons he moved on to the model-like Aslaug, but I think it’s time he changed it up and went for a brunette who will go raiding with him but not fight, and who will care for his sons but also wants a daughter of her own to replace his poor deceased Gyda. Imagine their blue eyes together on a little girl! OMG! I can see Rory at the bow of the ship, the wind whipping her silky hair as her blue eyes pop against a white fox fur coat (they didn’t have cotton back then, get off my back) and she looks down to see her beaten and bloody husband, Ragnar, who smiles and squeezes her hand as they sail to another land together where she can finally have a European adventure without her mother or grandmother. They’re gonna fuck a lot, is what I’m saying.

Carl Grimes from The Walking Dead

Rory has never had a serious issue to deal with in her life. Nobody close to her died (although I’m sure they’ll handle the passing of the legendary Edward Herrmann as her grandfather beautifully in the revival) and she’s never had a shit job. Let’s stick her in the South during the zombie apocalypse and assume she’s made it this far, hopping from group to group, desperately trying to reunite with her mother. She comes across Carl who, as a teenager, is pretty fucking bad ass. Sure he’s young, but we’ve already established that laws don’t apply in Walker Land and Carl has proven he can keep people safe. He’ll tell her about how he had to kill his own mother and she’ll comfort him with her pretty blue eyes and her soft skin. She’ll have a couple of physical scars at this point and will tear up when she talks about how mother, Lorelai, sacrificed herself to save Rory from a zombied Kirk. Carl will hold her and tell her that he’ll protect her always and they’ll make love in a lean-to in the forest as Rick watches the perimeter with Carol holding Judith. Enid can fuck right off.

Jessica Jones from Jessica Jones

Besides the fact that Krysten Ritter’s role on Gilmore Girls was so beneath her, these girls look good on camera together. It’s 2016, Rory could be bisexual. And if she were going to cross over for anyone it would be bad bitch and super hero Jessica Jones. Like Rory, a man damaged Jess greatly but she was able to overcome and defeat him while being strong and witty as fuck. Rory and Jess (see what I did there) will team up to take out Mitchum Huntzberger who uses his wealth to buy people with superpowers to ensure his world domination. While frustratingly fast-reading through files in Jessica’s office trying to find the link to Huntzberger, Rory will brush Jess’s hair behind her ear and they’ll stare at each other for just a moment too long. Jess’s warm, brown eyes will skate down Rory’s porcelain skin and they’ll kiss, tenderly at first, then more aggressively. They’ll move to the bedroom. “Gently,” Rory will remind her, and they’ll make tender love until the morning when Jess will hand her a coffee and they’ll continue trying to take down bad guys together. I need a moment.

Image via Reuters

Brendan Dassey from Making a Murderer

You might think Steven Avery killed Theresa Halbach, and you might even believe his dum dum nephew Brendan Avery helped him do it, but either way you have to feel bad for that kid. Somebody got to his head and it’s up to Rory to bat her enviably long eyelashes over those sparkling baby blues and get him to tell the world what really happened. She might fall in love with him for real during this time, but more than likely she’ll just become famous for being the journalist who cracked the Avery murder case and freed them all from jail and/or proved their guilt. She’s in this for justice, not love. Love hasn’t served her well in the past and she won’t be fooled by a “bad boy” again.

Captain Hook from Once Upon A Time

I mostly added this one because Once Upon A Time is still on hiatus and I’ve always pictured Rory as a princess. She’d be a new princess, of Stars Hollow, and would be trying to figure out why her mother turned evil and tried to kill her. Hook, a sucker for a pretty face, would take her on his ship and sail away to land after land while Rory questions the townspeople. Broken-hearted from the loss of his beloved Emma Swan, Killian would mourn her until Rory tired of him and left him to return to Storybrook and seek out Emma. Rory can’t break up true love, is what I’m saying. Even with Gilmore supernatural powers.

President Fitzgerald Grant from Scandal

We know two things already: President Grant cheats on his wife, and Rory has sex with married men. Both have happened, don’t yell at me! With Olivia having decided that they are dunzo for good, it’s only right that head White House journalist for the DC Times or whatever Rory Gilmore step in to fill the role of Ivy League educated vixen that steals the President’s heart and creates turmoil for the First Lady. Poor Mellie, first Olivia and now Rory; you can’t beat those women at monologues and their beauty transcends multiple dimensions. Hopefully Rory will tire of Fitz mumbling “Liv!” in his sleep and will move on to Detective Jake Ballard who will be able to protect her from the now openly hostile Melli.

Nick from New Girl

This one’s easy. Rory even looks like Jess so she’s a perfect replacement girl for Nick who, let’s face it, cannot keep a woman enthralled. Rory will clean him up and set him on a path for success, all the while stringing him along as she goes after her real goal: Schmidt. She and Cece will have it out and Schmidt will ultimately force Nick to kick Rory out of their apartment and out of their lives. Nick will keep seeing Rory, unable to resist the lure of her sapphire stare, only to discover that he hates her family and can’t keep up with her mother. After a terrible Christmas visit to Stars Hollow Nick will cut ties with Rory and finally tell Jess he’s still in love with her. Rory will marry Jess (Luke’s nephew), because that’s the way it should be. Amen.

Tagged: