06.17.2016
culture

Bob Dylan Is 75 and Live: What to Expect at His Next Show

These are the people going to Bob Dylan shows today.

Bob Dylan, freshly 75 years old, is on tour yet again. This time he’s promoting his latest Frank Sinatra covers album, Fallen Angels.

So far, he’s been rolling around the country with ex-lover and gospel/soul Mavis Staples as his opening act, and singing a few classics, a bunch of covers, and a whole lot from his seemingly favorite album The Tempest.

And while plenty of people are way stoked to hear the king of folk jam out for a few hours under melancholy lights and one hell of a cowboy outfit, the show itself is a big fat reminder that Mr. Bob Dylan is real old. 

If you’re going to grab a seat for one of these shows, here’s what you might get:

1. There will be lots of old women.

Maybe they’ve slept with him, or wanted to, but these Bob Dylan diehards are well into their seventies and early eighties now. They’ll come with binoculars, orthopedic shoes, and they will certainly cover their ears for most of the show. They’ll especially hate loud, screaming fans. They might judge you when you chug beers. They’ll pee a lot.

2. Bob Dylan will do a dance that looks like a baby squatting.

Dylan will move from piano to harmonica and sometimes he’ll stand in the middle of the stage, kind of dancing. Like a baby or a really old man, like he’s wearing a diaper, he’ll bend his knees into a slight squat. He’ll repeat this for a while, and to praise his band, he’ll throw his hands in the air at the end of the song.

helocarneiro via VSCO

3. There will be one guy, alone, and on acid.

There will be one guy, a cross between James Corden and Phillip Seymour Hoffman, who comes alone. He’ll be on acid and totally rocking the fuck out to even the slowest and saddest music. He’ll have a southern accent. He’ll sweat A LOT, even on you, while you’re crammed in small seats. He’ll ask you to buy a beer, and you’ll be drunk enough to do it. And dance with him, because whatever, fuck it.

4. Bob Dylan will not talk to you, or the crowd.

Dylan doesn’t give a fuck about you and most certainly he doesn’t want to tell you anything about him. He’ll get on stage, start singing (sometimes like William Shatner), and he won’t dare say anything in-between songs. There will be no intros, back stories, sex stories about Mavis Staples, or anything of the sort. No personal Bob at these shows; so drink up.

5. There will be girls in Coachella clothes.

Lots of them, with lots of makeup and culturally appropriated clothes and feathers. They’ll spend most the time at the bar though. And they’ll be in cut-off shorts, with butt cheeks showing, and you’ll be jealous because it’s actually hot and you wish you were wearing small shorts. They will reapply their makeup in the bathroom.

6. There will be a guy with a fanny pack.

And he’s wearing nylon hiking pants of some kind. Hey, he’ll be handsfree the entire show, and you’ll envy him by the end of the set.

malenesb via VSCO

7. There will be babies.

Middle-aged new mothers will bring their babies to Bob Dylan. The moms will hold up the babies like Simba and take flash photos. They’ll hope Bob Dylan shows up in the background, in his cool southwestern themed clothes, but they are using a flash, and can’t understand how taking a photo works. The baby won’t cry until the end of the show. Suddenly you’ll realize, in a drunken haze, that many babies are crying.

8. People still smoke weed.

Lots of it. And they share it at a Bob Dylan show, which is nice, considering the state of the world. Though Mr. Protest Dylan said nothing about nothing, you’ll assume there must have been some kind of memo about being kind and sharing drugs

9. Bob Dylan will sing ‘Blowin' in the Wind’

And while it’s hard to make out any words that he’s said all night, everyone, including the babies and fanny pack guy, are very thankful for this. Because it’s Bob, his band is great, and he’s still sorta got it. 

10. You wont be able to see Bob Dylan

The lights are dim, Bob will be under a big hat and hidden beneath a big jacket. In between each song, the whole place will go black. Presumably, Bob takes a hit from an oxygen tank. 

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