11.16.2015
culture

Culture Watch: Studio to Remake 'Memento,' Other Things I Liked in College

"Cruel Intentions" and "Donnie Darko" may follow.

According to The Hollywood Reporter, AMBI Pictures is set to finance and produce a remake of Christopher Nolan's Memento. The film was released 15 years ago much to the acclaim of critics, stoners, and film bros inviting you to their dorm room to "discuss non-linear narratives and chill."

In addition to Memento, AMBI Pictures—run by Andrea Iervolino and Monika Bacardi—acquired a handful of other titles:

The company has the remake rights due to its acquisition of the library of Exclusive Media Group. The 400-title library also contains such movies as "Cruel Intentions," "Donnie Darko," "Rush," and "Sliding Doors," among others.

Aside from Rush, that short list reads like "films people in the early-to-mid aughts watched in college while getting fucked up." Which is an odd little era to bring back! Is the reasoning that current collegiate soft-skulls are too lazy to reach back a little more than a decade to get their sexy, philosophy-lite, cinema needs? Well if a fresh take is what's in order, why not breathe new life into other things I enjoyed in college?

Image via OnceUponaFad/Blogspot

Slap Bag (the game)

Much like Donnie Darko, standing around draining a bag of Franzia was once fresh and exciting. Now they're both considered sophomoric and lame. But unlike having a plane engine dropped on my head, I still really want to suck Franzia from thick plastic. Fix this, industry.

Requiem for a Dream (Aronofsky, 2000)

Three words for you, bro: GoPros and drones. Just think of the in your face possibilities! All kinds of drug-addled perspectives filmed in the most epic ways. You ever see a dog on bath salts? That's an entire plot in this one, baby. It's gonna be raw af.

American Psycho (Harron, 2000)

But this time, the tech industry.

Insomnia (the real thing, not the other Nolan movie)

In college when I couldn't sleep I'd work on a paper or read something important or go on a nice walk or finish a puzzle or pull some hella wicked pranks with my roommates. Now when I have insomnia I just stare at the ceiling and replay all of my regrets in excruciatingly technicolor detail. Could use a new take on this.

Breathless (Godard, 1960)

Damn! This was the shit! Jump cuts?! France?! Jean Seberg?! I was all about this painful nouvelle vague ~masterpiece~. So let's get it going for a new generation of pontificating film students. Replace Belmondo with Miles Teller and Seberg with Carey Mulligan and instead of selling the New York Herald Tribune she posts comments on Internet articles saying "I made $2,679 working from home this month and you can too!"

Image via Gordon Wrigley

Jäger (the alcohol)

This was delicious and fun and led to outrageous nights of positive debauchery. Now when I drink it I die. Please remake.

The Notebook (Cassavetes, 2004)

What do the college kids throw on to get emotional and hot these days? The fucking Spectacular Now? Or that movie about the cancer teens? No idea. But if we pop The Notebook off again, we can get Kinfolk to shoot it, cast Anthony Mackie and Brie Larson, and make a billion dollars through a streaming service. 

Snatch (Ritchie, 2001)

Are there any cool British people right now? Would need some.

Craig (the dude from Biology 110)

Craig was the nicest dude. He complimented my Schlitz t-shirt and on a completely separate occasion gave me a Scantron, gratis. Now Craig works at Best Buy and tries to fight ISIS on Facebook. 

While we're at it, please also remake these things I liked in college that are no longer good or cool: keg stands, Easy Mac, cheating, track jackets, Mena Suvari, gravity bongs, ideals, voting, and me. Thank you.

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