02.17.2016
culture

How 'Saved By the Bell' Would Have Played Out if They Were High

Saved by the Bell was an iconic part of my childhood and, if you’re around the same age, I’m sure it played a significant part of your early years as well. The show always chose bizarre subjects to deal with and rarely got too dramatic. 

So what would have happened if they had been smoking in some of the more notable installments? Here’s how eight Saved by the Bell episodes would’ve gone if Zack and the gang were high.


1. Fatal Distraction

What Happened: The big dance is coming up, and Zack’s obsession with Kelly gets so bad that he will do anything to find out who she’s taking. He does the only sensible thing anyone would do in that scenario and puts a recording device in their room during a slumber party to collect intel. The girls find out, which leads to Kelly going to the dance with Slater instead.

What Would’ve Happened: First of all, Zack needs to calm down. Bugging a slumber party is beyond terrifying. Screech would’ve seen that Zack has completely lost his mind and is willing to break the law in order to get a spoiler on Kelly’s dance plans. He would’ve brought a joint over, Zack would’ve smoked and calmed down. They’d probably spend the night watching George Michael music videos instead of going all Watergate on the girls.


2. Video Yearbook

What Happened: Zack comes up with a plan to make money by turning his job of putting together the video yearbook into a video dating service. He and pal Screech take the footage of the girls talking and dub it over with Screech’s voice saying horny things so dudes will buy it and Zack can get enough cash to buy a car.

What Would’ve Happened: You would almost have to be high to believe Screech’s voice is the girls' voices in the videos. It’s like they created some sort of analog version of the human auction scene in Taken. The scene that really would have wrecked the brains of everyone that was high comes toward the end when everyone is arguing in Mr. Belding’s office, and Zack casually FREEZES TIME to get out of there before Slater punches him. They would have been FREAKING OUT because, in an instant, they were arguing with Zack and suddenly he just vanished. Honestly I don’t know if you’d even need to be high for that to blow your mind. Why didn’t that terrify them?


3. Miss Bayside

What Happened: Since the men of the world are rarely given a spotlight, Zack decides to enter Screech into the Miss Bayside pageant because the rulebook doesn’t say anything about contestants having to be female. That leads to Slater entering as well. Things get crazy when Screech’s robot Kevin accidentally punches Screech, giving him a black eye.

What Would’ve Happened: We never would have even gotten to the pageant because Zack would have LOST HIS MIND when he saw the incredible artificial intelligence Screech had created. Kevin is the most advanced robot the world has ever seen, and he’s just hanging out in Screech’s room. They wouldn’t care about Slater’s drumming skills because this robot can literally do anything. Enjoy your beauty pageant crown, Slater. We’ll be getting this robot to defy the laws of science tonight.


4. Save the Max

What Happened: The local burger spot for teens is struggling financially so the gang decides to host a telethon to save The Max. The place nearly goes under. Thankfully Slater gives a rousing speech, and all the people that were listening to the telethon but not donating call in and pledge money. Wouldn’t those people have just changed the station and listened to something else?

What Would’ve Happened: Even though the food at The Max is clearly subpar, it would be booming with business from high customers just because of its convenient location. If the food wasn’t enough to bring the stoners in, wait until they find out that the manager is also a magician and does mind-blowing tricks while serving you fries. They would have to build one of those giant vaults to put all their money in like the opening credits of Duck Tales when Scrooge dives into those coins in a swimsuit. That definitely would have killed him, by the way.


5. Drinking and Driving

What Happened: Zack insists he’s still good to drive even though he’s had a few drinks. No one else can drive because they’ve all been sippin that lean. Maybe it wasn’t lean. It might have been beer. They end up crashing into a telephone pole and mangle Dr. Turtle’s car. Their parents are very disappointed in their decisions, which is apparently more of a punishment than going to jail for a DUI or vehicular manslaughter?

What Would’ve Happened: If they had smoked instead of drinking, Zack wouldn’t have been so cocky and arrogant about being fine and insisting he can drive home. Instead, they would’ve spent the next few hours on the couch eating the snacks at the party and questioning why their principal finds it perfectly acceptable to come over to their homes and hang out whenever he pleases. That might not be illegal, but it’s definitely frowned upon, Mr. Belding.


6. All in the Mall

What Happened: The gang desperately wants tickets to see U2 so Screech camps out at the front of the line. Once he screws everything up, like he always did, the group finds a bag full of cash and decides to use it to buy a bunch of tickets, scalp them, and make a bunch of money from it.

What Would’ve Happened: They would probably find some better music to stand in line for besides U2. What 16-year-old would go through that much trouble to see Bono? Also remember the sassy old black woman that says, “No way, blondie, I never miss a U2 concert.” Yeah, teens and elderly ethnic women is definitely U2’s target demographic. Smoking would’ve prevented any of this from happening.


7. Jessie’s Song

What Happened: Even though Jessie has always made straight A’s, she’s suddenly stressed out about some tests and decides to start taking caffeine pills. They treat it like she’s a meth addict, when she’s really just drinking Red Bull. It ends with her freaking out and scream singing, “I’M SO EXCITED!” while crying.

What Would’ve Happened: Literally the opposite of everything that happened to Jessie would’ve gone down if she was given weed instead of those caffeine pills. Granted, she may have also overslept for rehearsal, but she would have been much more chill about it.


8. No Hope With Dope

What Happened: The biggest movie star in the world, Johnny Dakota, strolls into Bayside to see if it’s a good fit for his new commercial. You know, because huge stars always do location scouting for PSAs. He hangs around the school and hits on girls, which is definitely illegal, then invites them to his house for a party (not illegal, but definitely raises some red flags). That’s where everything goes to hell. Turns out Johnny smokes weed. Yep. Sure Zack nearly murdered everyone by drinking and driving, but this guy smokes weed. Zack and the gang shut the whole thing down and put Johnny in his place.

What Would’ve Happened: Actually, it’s probably a good thing they didn’t get high in this one. Johnny Dakota was clearly a creep trying to lure underage girls into his home. If the idea of smoking with him is what got the girls out of his den of iniquity, then that’s fine by me. 

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