06.02.2016
culture

KINDLAND's Unofficial Workplace Drug Test

We promise this is more fun than peeing in a cup.

The American workforce is woke as hell. We think? That means they do drug stuff, right

Anyway. Actual data might suggest that more of the nation’s nine-to-fivers are getting lit on the daily than in previous years. After supposedly analyzing results from more than 10 million workplace drug test results, provider of information services (and company that sounds like it could be in a Terminator movie) Quest Diagnostics, found

“The percentage of American workers testing positive for illicit drugs such as marijuana, cocaine and methamphetamine has increased for the second consecutive year in the general U.S. workforce. . . American workers are increasingly testing positive for workforce drug use across almost all workforce categories and drug test specimen types. . . 2013 was the first year since 2003 in which the overall positivity rate for urine drug tests increased in the general U.S. workforce."

The uptick in wage earners getting stoned, snapped, crackled, and popping pills like a MF on the job, or just in general, is becoming a problem for companies hoping to hire a level-headed, and not even a little-bit-stoned, team of laborers. The standing "no-chill" stance on getting faded while also remaining employable goes double for anyone who works near children, or with heavy equipment. And should probably also apply to this Guy, but like, maybe he's already too far gone on Donkey sauce? 

"If we go back to 1988, the combined U.S. work force positivity was 13.6 percent when drug testing was new,” a Quest exec told The New York Times. The "findings are especially concerning because they suggest that the recent focus on illicit marijuana use may be too narrow, and that other dangerous drugs are potentially making a comeback.”

Dangerous drugs, and new chemical formulas entirely, will come out and come back before we've even come down from the ones we're currently on. Which, tight, but also, damnnnn.  One takeaway here is that many, many people across America are getting their work done on time and to acceptable standards, whether chemically enhanced or not.

Here at KINDLAND, we believe in not drug testing the creative beasts that bring this site to life. But we do expect our contributors and staff to be knowledgeable in the drugs department.

As such, we've devised a drug test of our own:


1. The War on Drugs ______

a. Is going to have to bring the heat if they want to top their 2014 release Lost in the Dream

b. Was no-chill

c. What's that?

d. Drugs? Where?


2. How often do you dab?

a. Never

b. Always

c. Sometimes

d. Only when i'm swaggin' at the club with my lit squad. (What?) 


3. Nachos?

a. Yes

b. No

c. Jalepeños


4. Bears could theoretically also be dogs, if you think about it?

a. True

b. Nah

c. What, in the actual fuck?


5. Do you eat edibles?

If no, that's chill. Narc. If yes, can we make you eat a few or a bunch or just enough to make you giggle a lil bit and then go experience things and subsequently produce digital #content for us, based on edible-elevated experiences? Like, you know, a concert, or a weird museum, or a strip club with social media influencers? Or like maybe you could compare vegan edibles to regular edibles or review a bunch of different lip balms. Who knows! There's so much weed stuff going on now, it's like whaaaaattttt!?!?!?! Am I rambling? I'm not rambling. Man. My mouth is dry. Is that a Penguin? Noooo. dude. Dude


6. SHORT ESSAY: Please provide brief (3 to 5 sentence) responses based on the following prompts:

I. The legal cannabis movement is_________

II. The first time I took shrooms went down like_________________


7. How high are you right now?


8. Can you find us acid? 


9. Please? 


10. If you've made it this far: Pitch us here. Send weed (or other drugs) here.

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