01.01.2016
culture

Netflix Binges Designed to Cure Your New Year's Hangover

Plan your Netflix cure to fit your level of hangover shame.

You did it, champ. It’s 2016 and you’re kicking it off like a true paper bag that got crumpled then wet then dried back out again (still crumpled, though). Chances are, you’re currently hungover. You can’t be trusted to make any lasting decisions. Frankly, you should limit all decisions made in this state, Netflix binges included. Allow me, instead, dear hangover princesses and princes, to be your guide.

I broke down some worthy New Year's Day line-ups for effective binges that maximize slothing potential while minimizing any semblance of human autonomy. Consider me your hangover recovery fairy.

Broken down by hangover levels, we have:

Level 1: Ugh

You are experiencing only trace feelings of regret this morning. Either you took it easy or you are under the age of 25. You probably have the power to stomach pizza, even. I hate you a little. Regardless, here’s what I prescribe for your saccharine skull:

Amelie (121 minutes)

Along with said pizza, you probably have the ability to keep up with subtitles. Ain’t youth grand? Not like you really need subtitles to understand crushing whimsy and an O.G. M.P.D.G. in the most Wes Anderson film Wes Anderson never made. Plus if you’re watching with a ~special friend~ who ~followed you home~ you look cultured. Without even trying! Surface-level complexity is a great way to kick off a new year.

Freaks and Geeks, Episode 6: "I’m With the Band" (44 minutes)

Feel inspired by the rock ’n’ roll dream, then Sam’s social ostracization for skipping showers after gym class. Take a shower. Leave your home. You’re one of the lucky ones today. Carpe the empty grocery store and like, TCB while everyone else is stuck home to struggle, you smug monster.

Total binge time: 165 minutes, 2 hours and 5 minutes

Level 2: Shit

What’s this? Oh, remnants from last night’s Going Out outfit? You’re in moderately bad shape. Summon a little dignity. If you can’t manage to wipe your face completely clean of the smoky eye you YouTube tutorial’d during the last evening-prep of 2015, at least wipe off the winged parts. That’s better. It’s best to keep you on familiar beats—and quiet beats at that. Probably g’head and keep your vape pen handy for the proverbial road ahead.

Ferris Bueller’s Day Off (104 minutes)

Here’s a great opportunity to make up your own words to Yello’s “Oh Yeah” if watching alone. If watching in company, it’s a great opportunity to sneak naps only to wake and make a comment that seems relevant enough to keep those naps secret.

Airheads (92 minutes)

Timely considering that trick question involving Lemmy, timeless considering the enduring sex appeal of Brendan Fraser’s headwear.

The Beach (119 minutes)

Now that you established an adequately mindless musical base, it’s time to add a layer of clubby paranoia. Toss in some existentialism for good measure. Does paradise exist?? Cue bong rip here. If you’re not already drinking a mimosa, get one of those, too. After this one, feel free to hit or stay in the hay. You put in a lackluster six-plus hours of semi-consciousness. That’s fine.

Total binge time: 315 minutes, 5 hours and 15 minutes

Level 3: I Am Corpse

You’re running out of things to prove, if your blurry Instagram updates from last night are worth anything. You raged hard last night or had more than three drinks and are over the age of 25. If there’s ever been a day to order breakfast delivery, today—when your body already feels like a post-scoop scooped bagel—is that day. Treat the accompanying film selections with the same gingerness.

Cadet Kelly (100 minutes)

This gem stars Lizzy McGuire as a newly indoctrinated military brat who spends 100 minutes practicing frustrated horse noises. By the end, she’s actually pretty convincing!

Blue Crush (104 minutes)

Reminder: At one point, we actively lusted after PacSun apparel. It’s OK.

Girlfriends’ Guide to Divorce, Season 1 Episode 1: "Never Lie to the Kids" (41 minutes)

Palette cleanser. Brush your damned teeth. Then make another string cheese log cabin … for health.

Dude, Where’s My Car? (83 minutes)

Helpful reminder you could be in a worse place than anchored to a secondhand couch clutching only a Macbook to simulate human warmth and affection. You could be Seann William Scott.

9 to 5 (109 minutes)

After clocking a long day of staying still and horizontal, you really should turn in for another night alone. This Dolly Parton film will help fill the void of twang in your foggy day and send you off to slumber right. Hopefully by this point you remember a world outside the apartment exists. But you really needn’t see it IRL until tomorrow.

Total binge time: 417 minutes, 6 hours and 57 minutes

Level 3: Corpse x 2

There’s this amazing level of hangover that retroactively shoots your psyche, maturity, and physical coordination back to teenage status. This is that level. Make sure to take ample breaks today to practice refining armpit farting skills—a party trick that never goes out of style.

Can’t Buy Me Love (94 minutes)

Fellow teens but much smarter than you as an adult. Pack another bowl.

The Secret of Roan Inish (82 minutes)

It’s important, in this state, that you seriously view this film in which a small girl is banished to a remote Irish island on which its sexy denizens freely morph between seal and human form. This one, like the first movie of the day, requires a suspension of disbelief (even v. smart teens can’t make new people from MS-DOS programs). At this moment, recall consideration of passive-aggressive AIM away messages as effective personal communication and conflict navigation. Given your current, (hopefully) temporary mindset, such suspension should be easy. Also, there’s pennywhistle.

Half-Baked (81 minutes)

Fine!!

Heathers (103 minutes)

Let this be a metaphor for murdering dead obstacles in your life keeping you from greatness. It’s inspiring for 2016! Stop making metaphors after Christian Slater gets scary. Instead, direct energy to trying on all the red lipsticks found in your home. Damn, Winona is so bad-ass in this one.

Tommy Boy (97 minutes)

Dick jokes! Go to bed.

Total binge time: 457 minutes, 7 hours and 37 minutes basically 8 hours basically avoid the mirror

Level 4: Goodbye

Yeah, it’s 100 percent okay to take all your meals in bed today. Even if said meals are composed of ice chips and corn chip crumbs. If first thing this afternoon a few crispity bar-branded matchbooks fell from your slack jowls, you’re gonna need to binge the following:

Making a Murderer, Episodes 1-6 (368 minutes)

I haven’t seen any of this show and neither will you as you are past corpse status and will likely sleep through most of this. Or be too blazed to comprehend specifics. Either way, this decision can only help you seem more relevant to the ex who’s Netflix account you still use two years after breaking up.

Mouse Hunt (93 minutes)

Ratatouille isn’t available on Instant! Palette cleanser!!

Making a Murderer, Episodes 7-10 (239 minutes)

Picking up on this grisly doc thing after a classic mouse-vs.-man (CLASSIC) film might be a tad baffling—especially if you took my advice earlier and slept through the first half of the series. You know what, though? I say stick it out and embrace your flaming trash pail reality. Everyone has their moments—let this one be yours and start 2016 like an adult … tomorrow, by buying your own damn Netflix subscription.

Total binge time: 700 minutes, 11 hours and 40 minutes

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