09.27.2016
culture

New in Cringeworthy: Drake Movie Proves He’s Probably Bad at Sex

He really can’t be that good in bed, folks.

Wannabe sex god Drake released a mini movie called Please Forgive Me, exclusively on Apple Music and produced and co-written by Apple's head of content Larry Jackson, that is basically cheesy and awful and so Drake. It’s sort of Waterworld meets Indecent Proposal, but worse (yep, that’s possible) with a full-on violent gun shoot-out where Drake actually murders people. There’s champagne, dancing, a very hot model named Fanny Neguesha, a cheetah, explosions, and a battle. It’s pretty terrible. After a few minutes in, I actually got up to get a pamplemousse La Croix and opened another window for Netflix. It was that bad.

Not because the music is bad—all the songs come from his latest album Views, and the film includes a Johannesburg crowd dancing to the hit song “One Dance.” Of course, here’s where it’s easy to identify the real problems with Drake and this long, cringeworthy music video—Drake isn’t even really dancing. He’s just face-touching that hot model and acting like a fucking pervert. He's that guy. 

The history of the extended, theatrical music video might be having a renaissance, and with Beyonce’s successful “Lemonade” movie thing, it make sense that other global superstars want to join in the fun. But let’s not forget that this is nothing new. Mr. Michael Jackson was the king of this genre, making some really good (and really bad) music mini movies. Like, “Thriller” is the greatest thing ever, and “You Rock My World” was a giant theatrical mess. I might be going out on a limb here (I’m totally not), but the new Beyonce is more in line with “Thriller” and well, Drake, cheesy, I-forgot-how-to-act is right up there with the celeb-clad, gun-shooting “You Rock My World.”

However, those MJ videos, even the really long-bad-action ones, are filled with dance sequences that redeem all cheese. Drake however, didn’t get the memo on this. Instead of dancing, or even playing full songs, he’s just touching a lady’s face and standing around with his mouth agape most of the time.

In Please Forgive Me, Drake is so eager to touch this woman, that he appears like a big idiot. Like the whole video, it’s like someone said, Hey, Drake, act real sexy. So this is how he interpreted the meaning of steamy, and hot, and sexy: Lumpy, greasy hands, groping a lady to the point of making everyone turned off and tuned out. 

He’s like a perv at a junior high dance, making weird eyes and soft, slippery touches, instead of just dancing and casually pressing his pants-boner against her ass like a normal person.

As cool as Drake appears (I mean, at least if you’re just listening), it’s his bad sex skills that freak me out. This is mean, but how is this guy actually good in bed? He can’t seem to keep a chick IRL; so my guess is this weird, over-the-top, melodramatic, slow, touchy, feeling, annoying groping bro doesn’t know what a lady wants. Just fuck her already, Drake! God!

Hey, remember when he revealed (IRL!!) that he is actually weirdly gropey-watchy-unsexy when he tried to fully, slowly, face kiss Rhianna onstage by doing all that dramatic groping shit when she won that award? (She even seemed grossed out). Or when he watched her dance in the “Work” video like a perv and had his tongue out and mouth wide open? It was super awkward.

My guess is, as much as Drake is real good on paper, he doesn’t really fulfill, well, anyone in the sack. When Drake gets near a woman, he’s like a perv at a junior high dance, making weird eyes and soft, slippery touches, instead of just dancing and casually pressing his pants-boner against her ass like a normal person. I guess he's just used to getting lap dances and can't figure out that there might just be more to getting a woman off than treating her like a stripper. 

Hey, I like Drake. Or at least, I really want to. I like a lot of his music, but since this guy came on the scene years ago, I found it hard to be sexually attracted to him. Which some might say might just be taste, biology, preference, or whatever, but for me, it’s been something else. He’s too cheesy and creepy for me to get down on the I wanna have sex with Drake train.

I’m not into a man staring at me like I’m an object, like I’m some kind of medal, like I have no clothes on, like I have little dignity, like he has to touch me all the time because he's a slow-functioning animal. There’s a time and place for all that, but it seems Drake is stuck in Degrassi-wheel-chair Drake mode and never learned how to turn a lady on.

I might be way harsh here, and you might totally want Drake to fuck your brains out. But my gut feeling, as someone who has had countless (good and bad) sexual partners, is that Drake won’t rock your world. Sorry. Maybe we should focus on loving Drake all alone—you know, the guy who danced his little heart out in “Hotline Bling.” 

Hold out for a real tenderoni, peeps. 

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