Even Guy Fieri Can't Take Guy Fieri Seriously

So relax already, you don't need to either.

I guess Guy Fieri (born Guy Ferry FYI) isn’t that bad. Even though he badmouthed famed foodie Anthony Bourdain in this month's GQ. Even though it seems his entire town of Santa Rosa hates him because they nixed a new wine tasting room for his new mediocre fancy wine. And, he’s been the butt of many jokes because he truly looks like he’s survived the Orange County Fan Apocalypse with his spiked bleach tips and his flames and his soul patch. Or as writer Drew Magary says in his deep-dive into all things Fieri (FEEEEAAIIRRRRDDEEEEEE!), including a turtle that humps a hat and eats shit, he looks like “every Sublime fan rolled into one.” 

Well, whatever about his beloved new wine (Hunt & Ryde), about his facial hair and his hot rods, let’s talk about the seriousness of Guy Fieri. Because he claims that he’s a boss man with a plan who wants to make extremely fancy wine and tailgate food for you to love and cherish forever. But despite his seriousness about his new wine line (which btw sounds like he’s trying to make some sort of serious statement with the seriousness of this serious wine), people like Anthony Bourdain (and a whole lot of others including myself) just can’t take this guy seriously. 

Image via Mike Mozart/Flickr

He makes silly jokes about regular ol’ people and he would never, ever, try any food that seemed too scary or gross. Yuck! 

Fieri, who I just want to call Fiery because he’s dressed in fire and has hair resembling flames, said that Bourdain must have "issues" because the traveling gourmand has badmouthed Fiery so hard throughout their food fame years.

That’s a bold statement, FIre Head.

Listen, we all know (dreamy) Bourdain is an asshole. In fact, that’s how that guy cashes in, and he seems that he is not perplexed by his reputation. But it does feel as if Bourdain is at least honest about his food, his life, his past, and his future. He’s a writer, and maybe not the greatest (but still), and perhaps his shows feel more serious because he present some cry-worthing cooking and exploring with some gonzo-journalist documentary type panache. 

And then there’s Guy, good ‘ol Guy, who has built his own reputation on monster food dishes that are packed full of flavor, and not exactly ingenuity. A guy who is fun, relatable (especially to people in the Inland Empire), who wants you to have fun with food. He makes silly jokes about regular ol’ people and he would never, ever, try any food that seemed too scary or gross. Yuck! 

He’s just an American guy, eating classic American food, and he’s the one who has cornered himself into an unserious, maybe boring guy. Sure, some of his ordinary extraordinariness must be an act, but it’s fair to say that he doesn’t even take himself seriously when it comes to inventive food. Remember when his new New York City restaurant, Guy’s American Kitchen and Bar, got ZERO stars? That’s because it truly isn’t any good. 

So why should I take this fancy new wine so seriously? 

Call Bourdain all the names you want, Guy, but let’s be real: Your wine will never be serious because, if I have to judge you, I’d say you’re not that serious. And truly, it sounds as if you're living the life and making tons of cash; so it seems all is okay in Fire Head world, and that this serious wine isn't so crucial after all.