09.24.2016
lifestyle

J.K. Rowling’s Patronus Is a Heron; I’m a Fucking Aardvark

Uggggggggggghhhhhhhh.

When I awoke this morning, my phone, emails, and social feeds were very Harry Pottered out because today is an important day for Potterheads. Now, you can take a quiz to find out your patronus.

Just when you think there’s no more Harry Potter marketing left to give, J.K. Rowling musters up this master plan to allow fans to dork out on their very own spirit animal/good-luckcharm/patronuscharm.

You’ll have to remember your years-old login to get back into your Pottermore account—you know the one that sorted you into a house or revealed your perfect wand—to take the (duh) interactive quiz. 

When I finally logged in, I had an immediate sense of pride staring at my Ravenclaw house logo. My perfect Laurel wand. And, of course, I assumed my patronus would be just as magical.

NOPE.

I’m a fucking aardvark. WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN??

And while the rest of the internet freaked out and shared their cute and cool animals—dolphins, fish, heron, peacocks, a gray squirrel, an Irish wolfhound, and uhhh there’s an OTTERRR {?!?!), I was too embarrassed to post mine. Because I’m an aardvark. A fucking aardvark.

Sweet old J.K. Rowling (who apparently devised and wrote this stupid quiz) was a heron. Lucky?! I think not. This thing is rigged.

Once again, the Harry Potter series reminds us that life is about love, and never getting what you want.

Overall, the quiz like all the other sorting quizzes, is awesome and has some amazing 3D animation. However, there’s one major problem—the quiz doesn’t explain what your little animal means. So the rest of us will spend the weekend crying/wondering/ruminating on what exactly this petronus really says about us.

Seems like one big mistake to leave us hanging, or one big genius marketing ploy to get us to keep playing and buying.

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