09.29.2017
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Farewell Medicated Gummy Bears

An ode to cannabis-infused gummy bears in the Rocky Mountain State.

Beginning October 1, any cannabis-infused edible resembling humans, animals, or fruits, will be officially banned in Colorado. This regulatory shift––which will accompany updated product potency labeling requirements––is a heartbreaking yet understandable action.

Here's why: the new rules, which were introduced by the Colorado Department of Revenue in 2016, come after years of edible-related mishaps and reported marijuana “overdoses.” By designating weed candies that resemble “fictional human, animal, or fruit, including artistic, caricature, or cartoon renderings” as not chill, Colorado’s cannabis-regulating lawmakers hope they keep highly potent infused foods out of the grubby little paws of minors.

So, the time is nigh to say farewell to edible gummy bears, sharks, worms, snakes, or any other weed-infused members of the gelatinous or candied animal kingdom. Kiss your dreams of being immortalized in the form of an edible goodbye.

And with regard to the state’s new potency labeling requirements––which will have all products containing concentrates “labeled either in a font size that is at least two font sizes larger than the surrounding label text... and enclosed within an outlined shape such as a circle or square; or highlighted with a bright color such as yellow”––fuck no. Worst color ever in basically every capacity. Yellow Starburst––who even eats them? Yellow cars––yeah, bro, those are driven mostly by jerks. Yellow clothes––ok, fine, maybe. Yellow snow––just, no.

But if the new rules mean that fewer people will be improperly dosing cannabis, and as a result, having a subpar weed experience, we can deal with some ugly-ass yellow font. And despite the charm and timeless appeal of the weed gummy bear, these rules really aren’t a bad thing, when viewing legal weed at large. 

So, get those adorable gummies while you still can, and freeze those tart and THC-infused little bastards. Because as of Oct. 1, the medicated gummy bear (at least in Colorado) is officially extinct.

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