Public Service Announcement: Edibles Will Kill You

Drop the weed brownie if you want to live. Psych!

BREAKING: Edibles––food infused with THC, the psychoactive compound in cannabis––will actually end your fragile and meaningless existence. Scientists and researchers unanimously agree that just one bite of a weed brownie will send the eater to the hospital. Two bites will send them to the after-life. And eating an entire brownie would send you to space––proverbially and actually. 

Ranging from gummy bears to medicated cereal bars to gourmet chef-inspired pot dinners, and even take-and-bake-and-get-baked frozen pizzas: Edibles represent a greater threat to national security than ISIS does. 

Psych! Edibles can actually be pretty chill when consumed responsibly. And many companies out there are developing pot foods that produce reliable and predictable effects. Also: bodily pain + really strong, or CBD-infused edibles = medical marijuana working hard AF.

But like, seriously, kids need to stop bringing edibles to school or giving weed gummy bears to their classmates, who are then hospitalized because they can't explain why they feel purple, just that they know this is totally how it would feel to be purple. 

A Pittsburg, Pennsylvania-area high school is the latest location on the battlefront of the "edible epidemic" that mainstream media has blanketed isolated events, such as this, under.

From NY Daily News

"At least one West Mifflin High student was taken to the hospital for a precautionary exam after eating 'weed gummy bears,' parents said. Officials from the Pittsburgh-area school said the 'suspicious candy' was confiscated and turned over to cops for testing, although they did not detail the type of sweet or what it was tainted with. 'We will not fully know the details until the police lab is finished,' the school said in a statement." 

I'd like to think the cops won't be sure if the candy was infused with weed (or like, PCP) until it's been tested, but knowing today's police force, the officers involved might honestly be stumped on whether the sweets are gummy bears or some other gummy (or possibly real?) animal. I'm surprised they went the scientific route and didn't just shoot one in order to find out. 

Image via sibcornelius/VSCO

Edibles also ruin lives. At least thats the effect weed-food has on society in Sheboygan, Wisconsin––which is literally the most Wisconsin-sounding-name for a town, ever––and also where a couple was reportedly arrested, although the wife was only referred to the state. This all went down after the bonehead dad left some edibles procured from America's land-of-the-legal-weed, a/k/a Colorado, on the kitchen table, to be discovered by their 3-year-old son, who had to be hospitalized and is now a strong supporter of Bernie Sanders. 

I won't even get into the assualt-on-edibles launched by Pulitzer-Prize-winning-journalist Maureen Dowd. Just being real, though, that one was on you, Ms. Dowd. 

And of course, nobody can forget the 22-year-old dude from Austintown, Ohio, who in 2015 was reportedly discovered by police––crying, covered in Doritos, and surrounded by other snacks––after eating too strong of an edible and calling the cops himself, like, apparently for help?  

The wisdom here is: Edibles are chill. Eating too many of them––or at all when you're still a child, or at school––is no chill.