06.22.2017
products

Why My Summer Obsession Is Lord Jones' Gummies, Chocolates, And Body Lotion

After a week of gobbling free samples like Tic Tacs, I’m the latest person to develop a morbid obsession for the brand's luxe product line.

On a Tuesday night, my roommate and I attended a medicated, summer solstice sound bath on a rooftop in Hollywood. The event was hosted by the gourmet edible and high-end topical company, Lord Jones, and held at NeueHouse, an ultra-hip co-working space. Attendees were gifted with low-dose cannabis-infused gumdrops, glass jugs of ice-cold alkaline water, individual sheepskin rugs, and a resplendent sunset. 

Sound healer Torkom Ji led us through a collective chant, asking us to close our eyes and engage our spirits in the pursuit of energy, clarity, and fluidity. Busy Philipps just happened to be practicing her shavasana two mats away from me. There were plenty of oversized glasses and floppy hats. There were chimes. If there was ever an experience so quintessentially L.A., this was it.

As we settled onto our mats, Lord Jones co-founder Cindy Capobianco took a moment to welcome fellow "change-makers," and give a little background on the brand. Capobianco described the questions she asked when formulating the Lord Jones persona. 

Where would the product live in a department store? The top shelf of Barney’s. Where would Lord Jones go on vacation? Turks and Caicos. What would its religion be? Paganism.

I turned to my roommate, and looking back, wide-eyed, she said, “I fucking love this.”

Obviously, I was already aware of this. 

Capobianco’s brand description raised the hair on the backs of our necks because that’s what we want to be—not like, as brands, but as living, breathing human beings: To have a wealth of mysterious origins, plane tickets to exotic destinations, and the bronzed look of someone perpetually windswept by a tropical breeze. Basically, the image a box of chocolates has accomplished in a handful of fiscal quarters that we have yet to achieve in our twenty-something years.

This is not an ad.

It’s at this point I should probably mention that this is not an ad. No one at Lord Jones paid me to write this article (unless you count the free samples I gobbled like Tic Tacs). I’m just one person with a seemingly morbid obsession for the brand's product line.

Which brings me to the actual products. 

Visit the Lord Jones website and you’ll find a variety of low-THC and high-CBD gumdrops, caramels, chocolate espresso chews, as well as cannabis-infused topicals. Lord Jones doesn’t have a brick-and-mortar setup as of yet, but I imagine these products living in a pristine concept store with smooth concrete floors, glistening white subway tiles, and industrial bookshelves dripping with crystals and gold accents. I mean, just read the description for the dark chocolate covered sea salt caramels:

Our Lord Jones Dark Chocolate Covered Sea Salt Caramels are handmade in small batches using simple ingredients: sugar, cream, pure vanilla bean, and butter. Each caramel is enrobed in single-origin Ecuadorian dark chocolate and is infused with pure, California-grown cannabis extract to deliver the perfect experience, every time.

You wouldn’t be wrong to think anything “single-origin Ecuadorian” sounds boujie as hell. 

But they certainly delivered on the perfect experience front. Lord Jones’ PR rep sent me a box of the 10mg chocolates (40mg of THC for the whole box), and they became my vice of choice on a long weekend in San Francisco. Between a hike in Muir Woods, drinks at the Cliff House, and Burmese food at Mandalay, the caramels injected bliss into an otherwise enjoyable Saturday. The same goes for the gumdrops and chocolate chews (AKA grown-up Tootsie Rolls), which I used to “elevate” everything from happy hour nachos to Alien: Covenant.

But it was the topicals that really blew me away. Used for pain relief and skin conditions, I was aware of the glowing patient testimonials. Customers have reported using the topicals to relieve neck, back, and joint pain, psoriasis, bug bites, bee stings, and migraines. For weeks, I had a few bottles lying around and sparingly used the 5:1 high-CBD wellness formula for dry elbows and the like. With a pleasant herbal smell and a hydrating texture, it seemed to work like any other high-end lotion. It wasn’t until I incurred my first full-body sunburn of the summer season that I realized the topicals’ full potential. Singed from head to toe, I coated every inch of my body in the pure CBD formula figuring I had nothing to lose.

Looking in the mirror, I admired the way a weedy potion had turned my radioactive mistake into a Pinterest-perfect base tan.

Immediately, I felt a cool, tingling sensation not unlike Icy Hot's effect, but without the nursing home hallway smell. Within a few hours, the heat exhaustion subsided, and I felt a little less like a boiled lobster. By the time I woke up the next morning, 12 hours after I lathered myself in the lotion, there was almost no evidence apart from my horrendous tan lines that I’d been charred by a flaming ball of gas 100 times the size of Earth. All that and I only used three pumps.

Looking in the mirror, I admired the way a weedy potion had turned my radioactive mistake into a Pinterest-perfect base tan.

“Oh my god,” I said to no one in particular, “We’re living in the future.”

Check out Lord Jones’ products for yourself.

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