Resolutions Made Easy #2: Yoga, Hatorade, Heel Flips

Sure, sure, I'll stick to this.

Alright, thanks to do-gooder Fran Hoepfner, I have to jot down five simple New Year's resolutions. Hopefully I won't forget about them while dousing my central nervous system with rye on December 31, or push them out of my routine by February from pure laziness. No easy task, I'll tell you.

1. Start doing yoga.

Lol okay, I've been putting this off forever because I've never really felt like I ~vibe~ with "doing" "yoga" but I need to put some kind of physical betterment in my lifestyle before I keel over, puke, and die with a coroner finding 13 Coors Banquets and a year's worth of Taco Bell in my system. If I'm gonna still treat my body like crap in most other aspects of my life, then I gotta do something to offset that part a bit. Yoga seems kind of fun and maybe I'll be flexible and also cute girls, right? Sure.

2. Read more books I haven't read already.

I have a bad habit of devoting 90 percent of my reading time to re-reading. I love to grab a book I'm familiar with and start it again or just jump in anywhere and catch up. That's fine, but it's hampering the broadening of my literature horizons. 

3. Land a heel flip.

I haven't done that since 8th grade, so, here's to no broken bones!

4. Don't look at the social media profiles of people you dislike and/or are jealous of.

Just stop it, you seething, petty worm. All of the time spent being a weird creep on the profiles of unsavory folk could be spent making myself better, writing more, learning Spanish, doing yoga, reading new books, and skateboarding. Also playing video games and smoking pot and masturbating so like, that's a no brainer.

5. Stop ordering food so often.

All the money I could save if I weren't an extremely lazy person! Fuck you, DoorDash! Fuck off, PostMates! Eat me, Seamless! I'm going to the grocery store!