03.22.2016
lifestyle

Smarmy Brit Says Gin and Tonics Are Out

He is dumb and wrong, says me.

England, a country known for its dull pretentiousness and a large clock, has produced an absolutely dreadful, walking buzzkill in etiquette "expert" William Hanson. And this anthropomorphic rulebook has one very, very wrong opinion: gin and tonics are bad.

Wow, Will, I didn't know anyone could be so wrong! And it's not that Mr. Hanson just personally dislikes the drink. He has a few reasons to denounce the beverage. "Every Tom, Dick and Harry now drink the gin and tonic and, frankly, have made it rather downmarket. For me, it’s ruined."

Ruined! Ruined, he says!

He claims the drink is for classless poseurs and bemoans the use of social media to fan the flames of the G&T's crass popularity (he also says not to call it a "G&T but just fuck off with that one, buddy). Many annoying Americans have sullied the reputation of small batch whiskey and craft beer, but the act of being a snobbish prick doesn't denigrate the product. Gin doesn't suck, Will. People who Instagram their cocktails in the club suck. And you.

It gets worse. Hanson declares that the gin and tonic "has now gone the way of Sambuca and Jägermeister and is quaffed by peasants who are just out to get drunk very quickly, trying to hide their dull, boring, daylight lives rather than strive to improve them."

My God there is so much in that sentence for me to hate. Sambuca? Okay, fuck Sambuca. But Jäger? Dude, learn how to party. Not everything in this life is on a fucking doily. He should get an asshole award for employing "peasants" in earnest, by the way. But what really takes the cake is this stuffy prick looking down his nose at drinker drinkers. Trying to hide their dull, boring, daylight lives, Will?! Why the fuck do you think they invented alcohol!

"Their friendships are built on horny drunken rendezvous, rather than emotional connections, heartfelt counsel and real life (sober) experiences." Piss off, William! You don't know shit about our lives!

He continues, "There are now gin bars..." Oh good point. "Now."

Alright, alright, you get it. So what does supreme square William Hanson suggest you do drink? Here's a handy box:

1. Claret - what?
2. Pink gin - Splitting hairs here, huh.
3. Dry sherry - don't care.
4. Bourbon - yes but as a shot and with a Miller High Life.
5. Gin and Dubonnet - never drink anything that's a favorite of the Royal household. Embarrassing.
6. Negroni - eh, sure.
7. Tom Collins - what year is it?
8. Champagne (French) - who cares!
9. Old Fashioned - there you go.
10. Port - boring af.

There, now you know. I may not be Emily Post, but I know how to drink. Here is your open invitation to come to The KIND offices and make Brass Monkeys with me, you clean idiot.

I'll leave you with one more thing. Hanson declares he is "sorry to report that it is now not socially safe to be seen to enjoy this drink in public." Okay, but this is?

Wow, roasted. I totally burned you, man.

In summation, gin and tonics rule, whether you're out at a bar getting fucking annihilated or you're relaxing on a porch during a hot summer day, and England, as it so often has been, is wrong. Have a good week.

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