This Is Your Dick On Weed

Recent studies reveal marijuana's effect on the male member.

A Playboy article from September, The Truth About How Marijuana Affects Male Sexual Performance, has been making the rounds again this week. In the Playboy piece, Dr. Justin Lehmiller, a sex educator and researcher at Ball State University, details recent studies regarding weed's effect on the sexually active penis. Dr. Lehmiller offers two main takeaways: 

While the conclusion that marijuana helps guys last longer in bed is tempting, we cannot rule out the possibility that this drug simply alters men’s perception of time. In other words, sex might seem to last longer when you’re high, but the actual amount of time you spend having sex might not really be any different from when you’re sober.

Just as the stoned male believes he's been waiting multiple eons for his pizza delivery to arrive, he also slows time to a pleasure-marathoning crawl—in his mind. Secondly:

...biomedical researchers have begun to conduct more controlled research looking at the effect marijuana has on erectile functioning. Their scientific efforts reveal that, rather than helping erections, weed could potentially hurt them.

However, a deluge of factors minimizes the "[potential] hurt", including dosage, strain type, frequency of use, and the smoker's personal tolerance to marijuana inebriation. 

The article does not go further to address other common side effects of weed on the ding-dong. Including, but not limited to:

Memory: When your penis is lit, can it still find its keys?

Appetite: How much can your dick eat while high? Is the flavor experience enhanced?

Appearance: After your wiener is good and stoned, can it venture out into public without a shit-eating grin on its face and glassy, chlorinated eyeballs?

Taste: Does your penis understand prog-rock at a much deeper level under weed's influence? Is it fascinated by Planet Earth?

Paranoia: How many conspiracy theories can the stoned dick recall in detail?

We need more answers! Clearly, scientists must continue the vigilant research required to fully understand the male baby-baton and its complete relationship with marijuana. Until then, tread cautiously, stoned-dudes-with-erections.