03.04.2016
lifestyle

What Does America Want to Jerk Off To?

Pornhub's most searched terms by state.

They say variety is the spice of life, but in the vast, endless wasteland of porn where every sweaty desire imaginable is accessible, it seems most of America would be fine if all smut was just "lesbians."

Pornhub, one of the leading tube sites for solitary crotch abuse, is great at sharing insights from its data. This week, it released which terms each state searched the most in the month of January.

From the article:

In partnership with Vocativ, Pornhub analyzed state-by-state searches during the first month of this year. The term “lesbian” ranked highest in 30 states scattered from west to east. In fact, among the ten states driving the most traffic to Pornhub, “lesbian” was the leading search term in all but two. California, which accounts for the largest proportion of searches nationwide, took the crown with more than 187,000 searches for the word in January alone.

Nice. Take a minute to soak up all that hot, wet information. Most of these great United States are still like "hell yes the epitome of sensuality is two chicks kissing." The fact that most "lesbian" porn is neither made by nor for lesbians is probably a fact these searchers care very little about. 

The less popular terms are where it gets fun. Nebraska, after decades of only having fields of corn and college football to entertain them, has graduated to something a little racier: Cartoons. What kind of cartoons? Who's to say? Is it a bunch of XBox nerds in their mothers' basements furiously streaming hentai? Or is it comically rotund farmers whipping ropes to sexy Bugs Bunny?

Full disclosure: I can't rag on the cartoon searches too hard, during my sexuality's formative years I thought this cartoon character was capital H hot.

Okay, that felt good to get off my chest. 

A disconcerting amount of states really went hard on the step-family member kink. Which is, like, one of the laziest fantasies of all. "Wow, I really wish my parents got divorced, and when my dad remarried he married somebody super hot, or better yet she brings in a hot daughter; so then I can perv out and try to fuck them from the privacy of my own living room, Cheeto dust fingers, crusty sweatpants and all."

And when it comes to the step-mom terms, who wants to fuck where their dad's been? Too many psychological implications there for me, a lowly stoner who has never studied psychology, to unpack.

But I kid! I kid! Everyone please feel free to crank your dongs or flick your bumps to whatever you desire.

As the Goddess Jenny Holzer once said, "TEASING PEOPLE SEXUALLY CAN HAVE UGLY CONSEQUENCES." 

And it's true.

I just turned into a toad.

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