What Kind of Lover Are You?

Get your head in the game...

There are a lot of factors that determine what kind of lover you are, and most likely, you are a terrible combination of a long, complicated sexual past. I bet you have a lot of baggage, and somehow you’ve fucked up your sex life. Fear not! Determine which type of lover you are now, and aspire to be a better one. It just takes a few dirty thoughts and some will power...


You’re down for anything, truly. You’ve done it on the tops of mountains, in small closets, jail, and once in a deflated bounce house. You love sex and you’re willing to do anything to prove it. You like having sex with many partners, and you love monogamous sex too. If there is touching, you’re in.


Perhaps you’ve been called repressed, because you like to keep your sex life PG. You hate being vulnerable and you like to stick to what 8th grade health videos taught you. You’re into missionary, and sometimes if the moon is full and you’ve had a few mojitos, you might dabble with oral sex. You boast of the happiness you feel when you’re alone, and you know that sometimes you’re a lot happier when you just do it yourself. And, shit, you're always tired. 


You can only get off if there’s risk involved. The privacy of a bedroom has never done it for you. No, public sex fiend, you love sex in the woods, parking lots, public bathrooms, theme parks, wherever! And if you’er going to do it at home, you’ll open the windows so the neighbors can see. Never mind the public indecency charges you'll face...


Sex is cool, but it’s the best when you’re drunk. Suddenly, your inhibitions are gone, and you’re ready for anything. You'll text just about anyone who might be down to go to Pound Town. Though a slippery slope when on a first date, you tend to drink your face off until you're sucking face. The drunker, the more fun you are! And among your hangover in the morning, you find dildos, body paint, food, and vomit strew about your room. BEST. NIGHT. EVER.


You’ve been called kinky and you swear by your favorite sex pillows and toys. Just because your acting career didn’t work out, doesn’t mean you can’t use your skills to up your sex game. You’re always up on the latest sex technology and you keep a drawer full of goodies in your room. You might need an entire closet soon. You’ll try anything once, or twice...even if it means dressing up like a hyena or Mahatma Gandhi.


Your basic sex life consists of basic roles that may or may not be boring. But you do love to cook, and you love a good movie, and once you’ve unwound from your shitty work week, a few glasses of wine and a bomb dinner will get you in the mood. You’re likely a workaholic, and need some mindless activities to get your brain into sex mode. But once you’re there, you’re all in. You usually don’t finish the movie...


You love a good live show with genitalia spilling from a stage. You and your partner enjoy the shit out of porn and love a good strip club to get you going. You tweet at your favorite porn stars and you have an old-school garage full of classic nudie mags. Your walls are covered in vintage nipples because it's your thing. 


You enjoy making people think you want to have sex with them. Except you really don’t want to have sex with anyone. No one likes you.


You love love. You love true love. You are convinced that you find true love each time you meet a new lover. You enjoy sensual sex, eye contact, and a lot of intimate cuddling, massages, and hand holding -- even if you've just met your new bedmate. You'll text a million times after they leave your chamber, expressing said true love. Nothing will stop you on your quest for true, true bliss. 


So you just got dumped again, and it's fine that you are still hung up your ex-lover. You are so determined to get over them that you sleep with anyone and everyone. Sure, it only makes the gaping hole bigger, and sure you are doing crazy sex things you swore you'd never do, but for a few seconds, it actually does feel better. You post pictures of your party nights, talk about your sexcapades, and make sure your ex knows you are getting it on, and on, and on...