Where to Relocate After the 2016 Presidential Election

How to win a no-win situation.

Welcome to another lose-lose United States presidential election, where candidates are so into fame and shoving their own heads up their asses, that yet again, our country faces an uphill climb filled with shit-stained shoes.

Instead of living through the fallout of these political nightmares, plan ahead. Pack your bags and shove your dogs in breathable duffle bags, because it's time to plot your move to another country. One where maybe your political ideologies align, and there are nicer people.

Happy voting!

Image via krisatomic/VSCO

If Bernie Sanders wins, move to Copenhagen, Denmark.

Get out before the U.S. becomes a Socialist hell-hole backed by an old man with very crazy hair, and before your tax rate goes up to 80 percent. That free health care doesn't sound so free now, does it? 

Try Copenhagen, Denmark. It's the more tame, more thought out, actual democratic, sort of socialist country that isn't full of bat-shit crazy left wings who will throw America back into a Greater Depression. You'll enjoy free child care, free college tuition, fair labor wages, plenty of time off, and the charms of a Scandinavian village lined with lovely waterways and considerate people. This village will charm your pants off, and you'll need pants, because it does get cold.

Image via Rod Brazier/Flickr

If Donald Trump wins, move to Cape Breton Island, Canada.

Look, if Trump wins, you should probably move to Mars. But unless you have Trump money, that will be very hard for you, and there's a wait list so...

The lovely and breezy province of Nova Scotia invites you to live on Cape Breton Island. As an invited Trump Defector, you will inhabit winding green coastlines. Spend your rich-ass weekends at the historic Keltic Lodge and enjoy the finer things in life, like golf, boozing, and insanely beautiful coastal views. It's an island, in Canada, and not densely populated; so you can just do whatever you want, whenever you want. Start a gun range! Launder money! Be a racist! 

And if you wanna get fucked-up Trump-style, pop over to Montreal for drugs, hookers, and bagels. Only a three-hour private jet away. 

Image via Jay Zingre/VSCO

If Hillary Clinton wins, move to Zurich, Switzerland.

Hide your money, quick, like Hillary has and will do in the lovely mountain town of Zurich. Fuck this lady for trying to keep the middle class down, and her lies, and her cell-phone-email incompetence! She shall not rule you!

But promise yourself you will occasionally celebrate an American woman president by rocking bold-colored pant suits as you stroll along Bahnhofstrasse, the sleekest street of all. Also, visit the Zurich Zoo regularly, where you will see at least 30 animals that would make a better president than H. Clints. 

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If Ted Cruz wins, move to Havana, Cuba.

By the way, Cuba is almost cool with Americans now, and they don't really give a fuck if you speak Spanish, kind of. But you should at least try to learn the language, just like Ted Cruz, so you can explore historical sites, and possibly your Latin roots.

Time might stand still in Cuba, but there's actually plenty to do. On any day of the week, you can get an abortion! There are old cars to look at, cigars (don't tell the Clintons), good rums to get crazy wasted on, and hot people, and probably drugs. And if you are feeling patriotic, you can raft it on over to Florida for a weekend getaway.