Let’s Make It International Period Sync-Up Day
Supermooning together is the future.
We should all sync up for International Women’s Day, because what better way to celebrate than to drop our eggs at the very same time?
Think of the power we could have! We would be electric—all supercharged, under this year’s coinciding Super Moon, tingling with power and angst and love—all at one time.
If for one day, each year, women bled together, we’d experience the greatest power.
But how do we do this? We’d need a (probably) year to allow/force 3.52 billion women to adjust their cycles to coordinate. I’m definitely not a doctor, and most doctors actually think that syncing up is just a hoax, but I believe in magic. I know this can work.
I’m telling you right now, it is possible. Here’s how:
1. Brand Ambassadors
Hire Stevie Nicks, Fiona Apple, Michelle Obama, Lisa Ling, and Lena Dunham.
They will spread the word and force people to Jedi-mind trick their ovaries to work with other people's ovaries (OPO). They’ll openly shout about international period problems (like women shoved in holes while they bleed, and girls without any period protection) while not doing much about the actual issues. They’ll pose in period posters, the kind where they have white undies and fake blood smeared all over themselves, because you know, period blood often ends up in your belly button. They’ll host symposiums about women’s health, like on Dr. Oz-type places, where no real doctors (except the pretty, famous kind that maybe are just witch doctors) and mostly talk about their own periods and empowerment. They will throw handfuls of free tampons from blimps, and shoot pads from air cannons at baseball games.
2. Mandatory Period Time Together
A smart person will create a period syncing app, a mandate for women of the world, and they’ll have to spend at least 10 hours per week finding other bleeding women, and then spending quality time with them. A Moon Blood Period Project chip will be inserted into your thigh and will vibrate when you are near a current bleeder. Your leg will basically be electrocuted until you surround yourself with said period-ed woman.
3. Lilith Fair/Period Camps
Lilith Fair, newly branded for the synching of periods (called the OPO FEST), will come back and all proceeds will go to the syncing of periods. As women begin to sync up, the concert will tour the world and gather thousands of women together so they can spend an entire weekend aligning their moon blood. Women will enjoy music and be corralled into camps for a monthlong period sync up stay. There will be healthy, vegan cuisine and lots of campfires and they will be forced to stay for an entire cycle. Lots of drum circles and supermooning.
4. Ignore Men
The finale, when we are all starting our periods on March 8, 2017, will take place as a worldwide event. Women will have ultimate power. We will link arms and wander the streets. On this day, we will sing and dance, and promise not to acknowledge men for an entire 24 hours. Like in The Sixth Sense, and all the men will think they are dead because we will ignore them so hard.
See, it’s not so hard. Let’s do it!