05.06.2016
women

Sex In the 20-Teens Makes Me Feel Like a Vanilla Prude

Catch up on the current sex trends, you prude.

I don't want to eat ass. I don't want to go to a swinger club and bang a stranger while my lover bangs another stranger. I don't want to be choked, and I don’t want to add auxiliary humans to my bedroom escapades. I think that's okay, right? Maybe I’m super vanilla, or maybe I’m just an old crab caught in a clump of seaweed on the reef watching the other animals go cray cray on a kinky booze cruise. I just think I’m not hip enough to keep up with these millennials and their newfangled sex adventures.

I’m all for freedom of expression and being open about your sexuality, but the way the kids are attacking sex these days makes my butthole clench up. Am I prude or just old school? You decide.


Image via The Knee Slider

Side Pieces

Evidently having a boyfriend or girlfriend on the side is like the new norm these days. So much so that they’ve started making memes about it. Women actually refer to themselves as the “side piece.” I can’t even handle this information. How are we okay with openly acknowledging that the person we’re in a relationship with is also in another relationship? How can you have unprotected sex with someone who’s doing it with someone else, and in secret? I feel this promotes a culture where dishonesty and lack of fidelity are the new norm and faithfulness is out. I’m not saying you can’t sleep with other people. Just be honest about it! And why would anyone WANT to be the piece on the side? Your whole life revolves around canceled plans, no photos, ducking down in public, and never getting someone’s full attention. Ugh, I’m old. And I’ll be a main piece for life.


Image via Yourtango.com

Polyamory/Unicorns

When you go to raves, you’ll see a lot of beautiful people wearing unicorn headbands to let people know they’re down to be the guest star in someone’s already-coupled-up relationship. Sometimes it’s for the night; sometimes it’s to add a third to the partnership. I know several people who tried polyamory and ended up divorced. I know others who’ve dabbled and moved on, open to it again in the future, but not for a while. Some would argue that humans weren’t originally monogamous. If you look at primate habits, many monkeys aren’t particularly monogamous either. But we’ve been fighting that innate desire for thousands of years via religion and the patriarchy.

Am I an anti-feminist for not wanting my lover to have sex with anyone else, ever? I worry about this. I worry that because everyone is doing it, he’ll want to do it. Then all of society will fall back into swingers’ dynamics, and the natural jealousy we women feel will bubble up until straight up murders are happening rampantly, and the only thing the government will be able to do is push laws onto us re-enforcing monogamy, which would then cause a revolution. And then, quite literally, the world will explode. Maybe we could use that revolution; still, don’t fucking touch my man.


Eat the Booty Like Groceries

Why is this suddenly something that people want to do or want to have done to them? This is something that we don't need to talk about out loud with other people. Like, I’ll be staring at your—let’s face it—already butthole-lookin’ mouth the whole time you talk about it. I’ll be wondering what motivates you to do that. How do you prepare for that? What if you don’t have a bathtub to soak yourself in alcohol or cyanide for a few hours prior to said booty-eating? Fecal matter can make you sick and even kill you. Why are we risking constant bacterial infections with this? If you’re gonna do it, keep it clean. Keep it off the table for topics at brunch. And stop making songs about it. Speaking of songs...


Truffle Butter

NO BUT ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? This is one of the grossest things I’ve ever heard. And why did I hear it? Because bangarang hip hop stars Drake, Nikki Minaj, and Lil Wayne dropped a sick beat with this song. I’m all singing along like a dope until I find out what it really is. I have zero issues with people having anal sex. Just do it safely and sanitarily!

You never go ass to mouth, and you never go ass to anything else for that matter. Poop kills! It causes UTI’s and other infections and can lead to serious harm in the lady cave. Remember when people used to die of dysentery? That’s from deer shitting into your drinking water. Stop this. And if you’re going to write a song about gross shit make it metal or jazz so less people have to hear it. And for the love of all things holy, don’t make it sound so DELICIOUS.


Image via ravenreaper/VSCO

Snapchat Pics

What’s safer than a picture that disappears 24 hours after posting or sending it? NOTHING! Send your tit and dick pics to your heart’s content! Even if the person you’re sending them to didn’t ask for them. This is how people get their rocks off these days. I think it’s sad and weird and will inevitably result in legalized prostitution across the globe. (That is actually a good thing.)

Sooner than that, naked Snapchat ambushes will be the catalyst in many more cyber sexual assaults. It seems like after Date 2 a normal guy will ask for a butt pic. After you send it, he will critique it . And the influx of dick pics is just unacceptable. I had multiple years of sex ed and went through a brief period of binge-watching porn. That doesn’t prepare you for the deluge of dick pics pumped into your inbox once you create a Snapchat account. Heaven forfend if you post a semi-sexy picture and balk at someone sending you a nudie. "But you’re asking for it! My dick is a treasure for you, slut face!"

Give me a break and slide back out of my inbox, creeps. My Snapchat is for drugs and food.


Image via Thought Catalogue

Tinder

Online dating is a relatively new world that I’ve never had to deal with. I watch and listen to my friends navigate it daily—without Waze! Swipe, swipe, ooh he looks tall and cute! Then you meet him at a bar 30 minutes away and he’s 5'2. Why do you lie? You know you’ll have to meet the person? I’ve heard my girlfriends tell stories about meeting up and finding out the match has children, or is married, or doesn’t live in town. Or the cyber mack tries to kiss them halfway through the first date or discuss sexual preferences over appetizers. Maybe I’m spoiled. I’ve only dated people I met in school, at work, or out with friends. This whole “meet a stranger on the Internet and immediately give sex” thing bums me out hard.


Sexting

As someone who remembers life before mobile phones, sexting has been a burden since its onset in my life back in 2008. It was basically a new language to learn for which you don’t even get college credit. I have always been, as we’ve discussed, pretty vanilla with sex and its associated endeavors. Sexting is my Everest. Helping other (older) people sext with strangers? Gosh, what a time to be alive. I recoil at the vocabulary I’ve seen used. Do you say pussy or use a softer word like “lady”? Cock or dick? Thrust or jam? Caress or rub? Like, how do you try and figure out what someone likes in text?! It’s hard enough when they’re inside you (hey-o)!

I think people shouldn’t sext until they’ve had real life sex but, again, I’m some weird kind of prude. Maybe we all just need sexting classes. If you see a Groupon, shoot it my way.

As long as everything you’re doing is consensual, and you’re not hurting anyone physically or emotionally, as the conventional wisdom goes, do what you gotta do. But I’d prefer not to hear about poop-related exercises. I prefer vanilla or red velvet cake. And I guess I’d better come around to polyamory. It’s coming for us all, and it’s better to jump on board than to resist and end up in some weird ladies-only camp isolated from the rest of humanity.

See, look at this; I’m already broadening my horizons. But if you send me a dick pic or try to smash my man, I WILL END YOU.

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