9 Deadly Fast-Food Burgers, Ranked

Some of these gut bombs aren't so bad as a pineapple up the ass...

Everyone needs a burger sometimes, and oncoming heart attacks and arterial occlusion are no reason to avoid your favorite fast food joint, especially when you’re craving some meat. Also, according to some studies, it turns out that the basic burgers at these places (the smaller, limited-toppings kind) aren’t thaaaat bad for you.

Still, nothing on this list should be thought of or consumed as health food. If you’re going to eat this shit, do it in moderation. Most of these juicy and tasty fast-food burgers are loaded with a few days worth of sodium. The calories aren’t exactly that friendly either

But if you’re going to go big, and bad, then do it right. Here’s The KIND guide to the worst of the fatty burgers that may or may not kill you if you eat too many of them. You might just be surprised how long you can stay alive with a set of these protein anchors lodged in your large intestine.

9. The Carl’s Jr. 1/2 LB. Thickburger El Diabo

This burger is all about heat—literal jalapeño poppers are atop this bad boy, and some fiery habanero sauce (which is probably just really spicy, fatty mayo). Obviously, it has bacon and it’s loaded with melted cheese. The healthiest thing on this burger is the plain jalapeño peppers themselves; so maybe ask for extra, especially if you’re into fiery shits.

Calories: 1750

Sodium: 3290mg

8. Steak 'n Shake’s 7x7 Steakburger

If you are the grossest person alive, you can order this very simple (just cheese and meat on a bun) burger that is seven patties and seven layers of cheese! How you take a bite out of this, I don’t know. But I bet you could figure it out, you fatso.

Calories: 1330

Sodium: 4,490

7. The Wendy's Dave's Triple

Well besides the burger being a gross amount of meat, they toast the fucking buns; so it must be good. And maybe painful going down.

Calories: 1070

Sodium: 1930

6. Jack in the Box’s Bacon Ultimate Cheeseburger

Cheese, bacon, meat. Obviously it’s good. Obviously it’s really, really bad for you. Obviously add lots of fries and dip them in ranch.

Calories 930

Sodium: 2590

5. Shake Shack’s Double SmokeShack

Chopped cherry peppers and Niman Ranch bacon? Yeah, it’s good. It’s all-natural, and it’s all calories. So uh, be careful. You probably won’t pass up cheese fries either.

Calories; 925

Sodium: 2070

Image via Burger Beast

4. Sonic’s Bacon Cheeseburger Toaster

Before you bash this burger for using fucking toast as a bun, we can all agree that we thought this burger would top this list with caloric disappointment—and it does not. So more power to the fucking toast. Eat more than one of these in your life, though, and you might just choke yourself out.

Calories: 850

Sodium: 1490

3. Fatburger’s Large Fatburger

Look, if you’re eating at a place that calls itself fat, you might want to consider what that says about you. This burger’s pretty juicy, and the meat juice that makes it down your gullet is going straight to your spare tire, my friend.

Calories: 850

Sodium: 1490

2. Burger King’s Angry Whopper Sandwich

Why is this spicy cheeseburger so angry? Probably because it’s got enough fried jalapeños to make anyone angry. And I guess it’s got "angry" onion petals and something they call "angry" sauce, which is likely to be the exact thing coming out of your ass later.

Calories: 830

Sodium: 1530

1. The McDonald's Big Mac

A classic indulgence that is basically the club sandwich of cheeseburgers. Loaded with cheese, sauce, bread, meat (and then repeat!), this burger is loaded with salt and future cancer cells that are sure to bring you to ultimate pleasure.

Calories: 540

Sodium: 960