02.26.2016
lifestyle

Cultural Icons Who Would Be Way Cooler if They Smoked Weed

Weed makes everything better. People, too?

Most historical timelines chronicling chronic point to around 3000 B.C. as the first time us homo-sapiens started using cannabis on the daily. In the 5,000-plus years since, people have yet to stop smoking the herb, extracting its THC for salves or dabs, and posting photos with it all over social media.

Weed is also said to enhance many a situation. There is some merit to the logic of that accepted wisdom. An afternoon at the DMV will breeze by mostly stress-free if you blaze up beforehand. Work isn’t so bad if you’re operating on an elevated plain, though the lunch-break twist up will sometimes result in decreased afternoon productivity. Long road trips. Jury duty. Family reunions. Colonoscopies. Cartoons. Saturday school. Sunday School. Regular school. 

By-and-large, weed makes everything better.  But can the herbal improver also make people better, or cooler?

At least, let's suppose, if some particularly uptight individual from history (or current events) were to take a dab, eat an edible, or smoke a blunt, would weed make that stiff in the mud more chill? Even if the tight-psyche were a notable public figure from history or a celebrity? We’d like to think so.

Keep scrolling for a baker's baked dozen of people who may or may not have ever smoked weed, but would be way cooler if they certainly did.

Condoleezza Rice

Condoleezza is so chill that Chevron once named an oil tanker after her. If the former Secretary of State was also down with the dojo, the possibilities are endless. Cameos on Comedy Central’s Workaholics—where she might play a conservative-yet-stoned authority figure who comes down hard on the boys, but in the end, still knows how to toke up with the best of 'em. She could release a designer vape-pen that is also a real pen which she could use to sign treaties and other political paperwork. Who knows, maybe even a hash oil tanker (whatever that is?) could also be named in honor of Ms. Rice? 

Genghis Khan

After founding the Mongol Empire, this politician/warrior who seemingly caught the “startup bug” is said to have also unified the nomadic tribes of Northeast Asia, which would then become the longest-reigning empires of like, all time. Dudeman definitely blazed down. Aside from being a total badass on the battlefield, Genghis Khan was all about that religious freedom too, and is credited as coining the term “Mongolia.” Creative? Tolerant? Ambitious, but not in the “any-Roman-emperor-ever” kind of way? Sounds like someone that enjoys cannabis to us. 

Michael Jackson, Marlon Brando, and Elizabeth Taylor on That Road Trip

As New York City and the world came to terms with the atrocities that went down on September 11, 2001; Jackson, Brando, and Taylor made what became a famous escape from Manhattan in a limousine. Even weed couldn’t have made these three any cooler than they already were—though they probably got down with it every now and again. Maybe say they did, after all. Dabs would be called “Thrillers.” After a long day of work, you’d even go home and roll up a fatty “Brando”—though naming an obese blunt after a Hollywood legend that struggled with extreme fluctuations in weight and eventually died of respiratory failure seems like a bit of a dick move. Who knows, had the late Liz Taylor blazed down on the regular, maybe she would have also released a line of fragrances to celebrate or cover up the cannabis aroma.

Virginia Woolf and Sylvia Path

Path committed suicide by putting her head in an oven. Woolf drowned herself, with rocks in her pockets. Perhaps these literary icons may have never committed suicide and instead found solace in pot. Maybe not. Sadly, we’ll never know.

Ted Kaczynski A/K/A the Unabomber

TK moved into a one-room cabin in the middle of the Montana woods. Before that, and also before he began sending weird letters to major newspapers and mailbox-bombing politicians and wealthy Americans as part of his anarchist manifesto-influenced takedown of a corporate and broken America, Kaczynski graduated from Harvard. You don’t need us to tell you that they have some good weed up there in Cambridge. Al Gore is rumored to have been Harvard roommates with Tommy Lee Jones, but also allegedly sold some weed that got you so high, you thought the earth’s climate was actually changing as a result of human action. We know, right?

Glen Bell, Founder of Taco Bell

Maybe this dude didn't actually blaze, but his mind intuitively understood the inner working of the stoner psyche. Also, can anyone be entirely sure that Bell didn’t routinely drop whole sheets of LSD procured from the same source as Walt Disney? How else could one single human dream up the brave new world that would birth the quesalupa and the Crunchwrap Supreme? TELL US THAT, BRO!

Osama Bin Laden

Word on the street is that like 99 percent of the Bin Laden family was actually pretty chill. Were they just holding out on little Osama that whole time––and never let him in on the smoking circle? Probably.

Michael Bay

Not only does Bay seem like the kind of overachiever who smokes at least three joints an hour, but he must also get the actors that read his scripts dabbed out of their skulls before signing on for roles in his movies. Show us another logical scenario where John Krasinski willingly joins the cast of Bay’s Benghazi, and we’ll re-write this entire post.

Opioid-Induced Constipation Man

Actor James Waterson played this character in an ad that aired during Super Bowl 50. Opioid-Induced Constipation Man is probably not how Waterson—who previously had roles in Dead Poets Society and on the HBO and Amazon original series Red Oaks and The Deuce—wants to be remembered. Would O.I.C.-man be as plugged up if he replaced his pain-killers with some weed? He wouldn’t be. 

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