12.10.2015
culture

OK Cokehead and Other Dating Apps for Dopers

If you do drugs and date Internet strangers, keep scrolling.

Early last week, a story about a dating app connecting fans of Disney films made the rounds on the Internet. There's another dating site exclusively for farmers, which is awesome, but also, does that include factory farms, or content farms? If so, shitty. The Juggalo community finds love in the digital ether, too. Woop Woop! Niche dating is alive and well online.

For cannabis connoisseurs and fans of weed, meeting others that are also DTF/date is made possible by apps such as High There!, or dating site, My420mate. Which is crucial because anecdotal reports conclude that couples blazing together are staying together (and apparently having better orgasms.)

But what about everyone else on the recreational chemical spectrum? Is it possible to score some Tina and also a date with Tina? Is there an app for that? We'd like to think so. 

OKCokehead
The name says it all. OKCokehead is for the everyday Boston George. Ever wanted to date a shitty congressman? Celebs and politicians are definitely in the mix on this one. Don’t rule out challenge-based reality show stars who were eliminated from the competition in the first couple of episodes; that’s a major precursor for a coke habit. If your ideal date night involves staying up until sunrise, talking at your partner, and chain-smoking an entire pack of cigarettes, download this one before you crack your smartphone screen cutting out lines on top of it. Sorry, that got dark pretty quickly.

MDMAtch.com
The desert sun casts a warm glow as it sets, seemingly in tandem with the ebbs and flows of the music blasting from the stage. Through the sea of faces and fellow festival goers, you see her. She’s wearing an outfit rife with cultural appropriation and is on the shoulders of a friend. Your eyes meet. She smiles at you. You’re rolling balls. She’s rolling balls. The bass drops. Dudes with energy drink logo tattoos lose their shit, and so do you, because you’re one of them. But you regain composure and approach her. “Did you message me on MDMAtch.com?” You think you ask her. Instead you just drool in her general direction for a few minutes until you’re shaken from your reverie. You remember that you have to go find the color orange with Chad and Mark.

Crystal Mingle
Are you a fan of day dates and sleepovers? What about 3-day-long dates where you don’t sleep ever? This is the dating site you join when you’re looking for someone who knows how to listen (to the voices in their head). Download this one, order some Moscow Mules, and then steal and scrap the copper mugs they come in.

Vodka Meets Soda
Granted, you don’t necessarily need a dating app to meet other booze hounds, but this is a good way to weed out the people who can’t handle their shit. Looking to get drunk and hookup with a stranger? That’s what Tinder is for. Vodka Meets Soda is for the career drinker. It’s for the person new to the online dating scene, but also searching for that ride-or-die drinking partner willing to steal a Bob’s Big Boy mascot in the middle of the night, or on a Sunday afternoon. You might not find your soulmate on this site, but you’ll probably find someone that once drunk will say things like, “I feel like you’re my soul mate. Let’s go on a road trip tomorrow!” Disclaimer: Do not go on that road trip.

Crackle
Yeah, on second thought, not even going to go there.

BnzoBddy
The user interface on this one is fairly simple. Remember that Yo! app? The one that would greet your contacts as if their last name was “MTV RAPS,” with just one tap of your smartphone screen? This is like that, except, with one tap, someone arrives ready to Xanax and chill. That’s not even a shitty millennial euphemism, it’s just the reality of the situation. 

We kid. We kid. These apps don't actually exist. And addiction is no joke. Swipe safely.


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