The KINDLAND Guide To Passing A Drug Test
From fake pee to follicle-cleansing shampoo, we've got you covered.
It’s happened to the best of us; you score a job interview, it’s going well, and then your potential future employer nonchalantly drops the bomb: In order to clinch the deal, and secure employment, you’ll have to pass a drug test. You smile and nod like everything is alright. On the outside a bead of sweat forms at the top of your forehead. On the inside you explode, while images of all the times you’ve smoked, or taken a dab, or eaten an infused edible (like, this morning) over the couple of weeks play in fast forward, frame-by-frame, like a flip-book glued to the backs of your eyelids. Your mouth opens. You say: “Of course I can pass a drug test.”
People have been trying to outsmart drug-testing facilities since the 1980s when employees first began implementing pre-employment and on-the-job testing. The solution, of course, to this held across-the-job-sector problem varies, depending on your personal circumstances, what kind of test you’ll be taking, and how long it has been since you last got lit.
There are many rumored techniques, some of which we’ve all heard of, like drowning your system in cranberry juice or sweating out the toxins, but the method that will-hopefully- work for you will depend on all the above-mentioned factors.
THC––the psychoactive element in devil lettuce––can stay in your system longer than any other drug, and can be detected anywhere from a few weeks, to a few months after the last time you consumed cannabis. The potency of the product is also relevant: The better your weed, the harder you’ll have to try to cleanse your system.
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The most obvious answer is to simply stop using any drugs for a few weeks leading up to your test. This abstinence is easier said than done, but if you have the time and the willpower to stop, you should be fully clean for anywhere from one to three months before your test. Regular consumers who want to err on the side of caution should aim for three months. A non-frequent user who, say, decided to smoke one bowl over the weekend before a drug test, can likely rid their system of the evidence as quickly as two days or as long as 10 days, according to High Times. THC is stored in fat cells, too, so depending on one’s body type, the duration of which it remains in the bloodstream can differ.
During this period you should also drink lots of water, incorporate exercise into your schedule, and scarf down leafy greens to expedite the detoxifying process.
The kind of test you’ll be taking, and sophistication of the test, also makes a big difference when deciding which route to go if you hope to fake it. The most common, and easy to fool, is a urine test.
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To Fake Pee or Not To Fake Pee
Realistically, if you’re a regular cannabis consumer, abstaining for more than even a few days, let alone months, can prove to be difficult. If you’re still doing weed regularly before taking a urine test, synthetic urine––Google “The Whizzinator”–– or clean urine from a straight edge friend are two possible options to consider.
Using synthetic urine to fake a drug test is pretty risky––not to mention a quick route to no job, should you be caught––and does not necessarily guarantee that you’ll pass your test, but it’s worked for people in the past––including KINDLAND’s rebellious intern––and numerous fake pee blends are readily available online and in head shops. Herb magazine and Drugrehaballiance.com report that Quick Fix Synthetic Urine is a tested and reliable brand to use, so long as you buy it straight from the source.
There’s even an option for men who have to take a drug test while being monitored. The aforementioned Whizzinator, a silicone penis that comes in every fleshy color imaginable, straps right to your body much like a jockstrap, or something you might see in a porno, and can be pulled out of your pants just like the real thing, to produce body-temperature synthetic urine.
But say buying a fake dong isn’t something you’d be down to do, perhaps asking a clean friend to pee in a cup on your behalf is the move. Though, once you’ve got your friend’s pee safely stashed away––which feels weird to type, you sicko––you’ll have to find a way to discreetly hide the contraband on you when taking the test at a third party facility as most employers will have you do; and also come up with a way to ensure the golden (but hopefully not too golden) remains above 90 degrees fahrenheit, or your test could come back as inconclusive––a dead giveaway that you tried to pull one over on the test. Try using a rubber band and some hand-warmers to keep the pee warm for the time before your test.
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Detox In A Day
Say the test isn’t for a job, and maybe you’re on probation, and are given just 24-hours notice that you’ll be drug-tested, taking detox pills or a detox drink, which simply masks any would-be positive-testing THC in your pee with a flood of nutrients and other elements, is a route some people take.
High Times mentions Nutra Cleanse for same-day use as most of the products are said to take effect in 90 minutes, and last up to 6 hours. There’s even a chewable tablet available for those who hate drinking large amounts of liquid.
The Stuff detox drink is also said, via whispers of the Internet, to work well.
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The Dreaded Hair Test
A hair follicle test will reveal much more about your drug use than a simple urine test, and is the hardest method to falsify. A follicle test can detect drugs in your system from as far back as three months, or even a year in certain cases. That being said, these are also expensive to conduct, and unless you’re interviewing for a job at like, NASA, or something, a follicle test is less likely to be administered for pre-employment screening.
Still, with President Trump sitting pretty in the Oval Office, and his Attorney General Jeff Sessions taking out the frustration of having the lamest middle name of all time––Beauregard––on drug users nationwide via draconian policy change, it’s better to be safe than sorry.
Similarly, because THC is stored in your hair shaft core, the psychoactive cannabinoid isn’t something that can be simply washed out via rigorous scrubbing or numerous showers. There are, however, medical grade detoxification shampoos that can be purchased online.
Many brands of the magical hair elixir can be found on Amazon, but like with any test you’re trying to cheat, the results will vary. So, don’t get all salty and like, stop reading our site, or something, if your hair falls out from using one of these shampoos.
As such, the Nexxus Shampoo and Zydot Shampoo combo, could be the move to make, though these shampoos do have some mixed reviews online. Some customers complain that they used the product correctly but still failed their test, while others give the same product five stars and claim to have passed their tests. It’s also important to note that some of these shampoos are more expensive than the drugs you paid for, which fist landed you in this situation to begin with. The Nexxus and Zydot shampoo kit goes for $160––which, in California at least, could buy you nearly an ounce of some fire chronic.
Doing some research before purchasing a shampoo is highly recommended.
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There Will Be (Drugs in Your) Blood
While blood tests are rare, too, regarding pre-employment testing, there are certain instances that might require you to take a blood test.
Blood tests are different from urine tests in that they test for the actual substance of drugs, not just the metabolites that remain in your body post-use. This means that the detection time is much shorter than that of a urine or hair test. A blood test can detect drug use from only as far back as about a week ago, and that’s if you’re a regular or heavy user. The easiest and cheapest course of action in the case of a blood drug test is to stay clean. Hey, it’s only a week, you’ll live. Stoner.
Still, if you’re uneasy about how soon you should begin cleansing for any of these tests, you can also try a marijuana calculator, a tool that gives you an estimate of how long your cleanse should be. Find one of these neato weed calculators here.
Having to pass a drug test can be a downer, but passing one, especially if doing so means that you’ll be a functioning adult with a job, is a great reason to celebrate with say, a fat blunt, or a hefty dab, or whatever weedy concoction makes you the happiest.