02.16.2016
news

Octopus too Big to Bone

A Seattle octopus is unable to mate because of his...size.

What's your ideal Valentine's Day? Is it watching two octopi get their underwater fuck on? If that's the case, and you were in Seattle this past weekend, you were probably extraordinarily bummed to find out that the Seattle Aquarium had to cancel their annual Valentine's Day octopus bone session

Kong, a 70 pound beefcake of an octopus, was just too dang big to shoot his ink! The aquarium matchmakers were unable to find a mating female large enough to satisfy Kong's urges...er, or to not be crushed during the act. The undoubtedly terrified lady-in-waiting was only half of Kong's weight which creates an unsafe sexual ratio, I guess. When reached for comment the lady octopus said she was typing "you won't believe how big he was" to her group text.

A picture of the huge stud.

Sorry, Kong. May your underwater dry spell end promptly. However, there is a silver lining: Octopi die after mating. The female bites it after her eggs hatch, and the male just fucks off for two months and drops dead. Crazy. 

At press time Kong was sitting at the bar bitching to his bros about not getting laid. 

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